


Darkshines

by Julliecious



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Bully Dan Howell, Bullying, Cyberbullying, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Homophobia, I Hope This Goes Well, LMAO, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Phan - Freeform, Phan -freeform, Shy Phil Lester, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Tumblr, this is my first fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2018-12-02 15:32:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 29,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11512278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julliecious/pseuds/Julliecious
Summary: High School AUFor years now, Dan and his friends haven't let Phil be. He's bullied and tired of it, but he can't make them stop.But he stumbles upon Dan's tumblr one day and decides to get back on him, only it's behind the safe walls of anonymousity.What Phil doesn't know though, is that Dan isn't as strong as he appears in school, and the anonymous messages gets much bigger consequenses than he'd thought.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello cuties!  
> This is my first fic, so please be kind! But constructive critisism is welcome <3  
> Im a sucker for High School au's and angst, so here we go! :'D
> 
> hope y'all enjoy, i excuse for bad vocabulary and misspellings since english isn't my first language ^_^
> 
> (also, it's my artwork below, please don't use it in any way ♥ )

****

 

**Phil's POV**

The bell rang at last, told everyone school was over for today. Phil had dozed off for a moment, daydreaming of dimples and chocolate brown eyes, but were now abruptly brought back to reality.

He looked around the classroom where most of his classmates already had left, leaving Phil, and two other students that were in the middle of a conversation. Phil glanced towards the door with worry, he wondered if Dan and Chris or the others were waiting outside for him. Waited for him to join for another round of being picked on.

  
But what choice did he have, else than climbing out of the windows? His history teacher, Mrs Jordan, threw him a couple of annoyed looks, with Phil taking his fair share of time to leave. He couldn't avoid it any longer so he put back his books and notes into his backpack, stood up and made his way carefully to the door.

 

It wasn't empty in the corridor, but his daily tormentors were nowhere to be seen. Phew, Phil thought, at least something good came out of this boring day. He walked down the school halls, still eyed every person he saw with suspision, in case he'd stumble upon them. Dan. And Chris. Or any member of the popular guys in this stupid school for that sake.  
He'd almost relaxed by the time he was at the entrance of the high school and he noticed his friend PJ stood outside the doors, discussing something entusiacially with Mr Ketch, their English teacher. Phil bet it was Shakespeare related. He decided to walk over to them, perhaps PJ wanted to walk home together from school.

In the short amount of seconds that he had diverted his attention to PJ, he hadn't see them coming up from behind until it was to late, and a strong hand pressed him against the wall and held him in place. He was met by two chocolate brown eyes that stared mockingly at himself, a wide grin plastered on his face.

 

"Thought you were free to leave now, didn't you twat?" Dan spat, tilted his head and followed Phil's movement when he tried to look away, but Dan locked eyes with him. He knew better than to talk back, his experiences told him it wouldn't end well.  
Dan shook his head, and muttered threatingly. "Oh no, boy. Don't think we'd let our little toy just leave."   
Dan glanced behind his back towards the other two people that stood there, Jack and William, and Phil only noticed them now as he just so far only seen Dan's face up close. He smirked as he looked back at Phil's flustered face, Too close, too close, he thought as he tried to glance sideways and not focus on Dan's warm hand pressed against his chest, his heart was beating at the speed of light. He swallowed nervously.

Dan seemed to notice Phil's state of tension, his fingers travelled along his jaw, down his neck, which caused Phil to let out a small whimp that were interpreted as a moan. "Enjoying that, are we?" Dan chuckled, and directed his voice to the others. "Look guys, he's practically begging me to continue", and the others sniggered, and made barfhing noises, calling him ugly names.  
Even if it was expected, Dan caught Phil with surprise as he threw the first punch right in his stomach. Phil let out a pained shout, cramped his hands around his torso in desperate attempt to shelter himself from another hit, but Dan's fist were able to direct another perfect punch, and Phil whimpered in agony, squeased his eyes shut, while Dan kept on hitting him.

When no more punches came, he slowly opened his eyes in fear, to find Dan's attention were down the floor, no not the floor - at his feet more specifically.  
"Aw, he's got a new pair of shoes, guys!" Dan suddenly announced to his friends behind him, and Phil was suddenly confused of the fact that Dan had even noticed such thing. But he didn't have much time to ponder at that as Jack and William had come up with the most hilarious idea and decided to steal his new white shoes that his father had got for him yesterday. He should've known this would happen.

  
He tried to struggle against their hands gripping at his shoes but Dan held him in place with a steady hand. "N-no please.." Phil pleaded, hoped they would listen this time, but all he got was Dan's nails digging into his arm so sharply he hissed whilst his eyes teared up.  
"Yes, please" Dan corrected him with a whisper, terrifyingly close his ear, as Jack had got the shoes off his feet and left him standing in his unmatched socks. They cheered at their newgained item, discussed what they could do with them, wheather to trash them or throw them up a tree. He didn't find out, as they ran away with them.

Dan had found it was his cue to leave so he gave Phil a last hard shove into the wall behind and stomped away after his friends.  
Phil watched them go, until they disappeared behind a building, and not before then he let out a breath he never realised he held, clenched his hands to his hurting belly. When he looked back at the doors, he sadly noticed PJ had left already. He sighed. Now I've got to walk home without shoes. He wished he had taken a bike, but knowing his tormentors, he knew they wouldn't leave it alone.

 

So he begun to walk home, nauseous of the stomach pain and wet, cold feet from the muddy, dirty ground.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dan's POV**

Dan stepped out of Jack's car, as he had gotten a ride home from school. Well, not all the way home, but to his neighbourhood. His friends didn't know where he lived and he wanted it to stay that way, so he could just walk the rest home. He swung his backpack over his shoulder and waved goodbye at his friends. Jack opened the car window and held up the new, white pair of shoes they'd taken.

"Danny, catch!" Jack shouted, and Dan caught them as Jack threw it over to him, and left Dan confused.

"What will I do with these exactly?"

"I don't know, whatever mate. Seeya!" Jack replied and pressed down the gas pedal, causing the car to take off with a jarring noise of the tires, and drove off in no time. Dan stood there for a moment, his eyes followed his friend's car and then at the shoes. It was a rather nice pair of shoes, he noticed, white sneakers that looked expensive. Maybe he could sell if for some money?

Dan walked the rest of the way home to his old and unwelcoming house. The minimal garden they got were filled with high, unkept grass and weeds that no one bothered to take care of, and a sign that hanged on the front door said "Welcome", it was hanging all wrong and the once so pretty colours had pretty much faded away. Faded away like his family was fading out of his life. No, he still got Alex, of course he did. _Don't be so silly, Dan_.  
He glanced towards his house through the windows, it looked dark and quiet. His mom and his little brother must still be out, he reasoned and went to go inside.

  
He made himself a sandwich and a glass of water, and went to sit in his room upstairs to eat. He was happy about having made the grocery shopping yesterday, and luxury of food to eat. Only two days ago, he and Alex had been compeletely out of food, because mom's salary didn't cover food for an entire month. Maybe it could have been enough, but as their mom bought so much alcohol, not much were left for him and Alex to survive of.

He ate quickly and drank the water, then went to switch on his laptop. Firstly he went through some important things, such as paying bills and reply to emails from Alex's school. It was normal to him by this point, doing the house keeping, grocery shopping, laundry and paying bills. Rather fast he had noticed how bad it got if giving his mom the responsibility, she always forgot.   
So he had to do most things unless he wanted to live in a compelete mess. Plus, he didn't want that life for Alex, he deserved so much better, even though it's quite bad already. But he made the best out of the situation.

  
After a while, he was done and were free to do what he pleased. He went to his tumblr, browsed it for a while and then decided to upload a couple of pictures he had edited last night. Some aestethic ones that fit into his themed blog. He contemplated wheather to post a selfie of him, as he were concerned about being recognized in real life. But who would find him really, amongst the thousands of blogs? He clicked 'post'. 

His eyes slipped over to Phil's shoes, that was placed down in the corner of the room. "Phil's shoes", no, not anymore. Just a pair of white shoes. _Nice shoes_.

Maybe it'd make a good motive to photograph? He brought out his most treasured item, his dad's old camera. One of the few things his dad had left behind. He placed the shoes out on the floor, trying out different compositions and angles and shot a few photos for a good while, at least half an hour until he had a few shots he were pleased with.  
He put the camera's memory card into his computer and transfered a few pictures. As he looked over them, he picked one and went to work with doing some edits and filters. It looked rather good, so he posted it on his tumblr aswell.

 

Before he turned off the computer, he check the notes. His selfie had got a few likes but nothing major. _Whatever_ , he thought and went off his laptop. In the same moment he heard his mom stumble inside the house, and also wine bottles clinking in plastic bags when she put them down on the floor.

"Daniel, come downstairs" she called, and Dan sighed and got up from the chair he sat in. He got downstairs and greeted his mom with a fake smile, but she didn't return it or even answered.

"Wher's Alex?" she slurred, she was visibly annoyed and motioned at him to carry the plastic bags with wine bottles. Dan carried the bags over to the kitchen sink and begun to organize them in the corner.

"At school, mom" he mumbled.

"Speak louder, you idiot!" she scolded at him with a shout, throwing her glove at him but missed majorly, not able to aim properly due all the alcohol she'd already consumed.

"..At school, mom" he repeated articulate. She muttered something inaudible in reply. She turned around and walked inside her bedroom, closing the door.

He waited a couple of minutes, listened, but didn't hear anything. _Good_ , he thought, _maybe me and Alex can eat in peace today_.  
His mom wasn't all that far off though, wondering where Alex were. His brother should be home by now, he knew Alex finished school a lot earlier than this. Dan glanced to the clock on the wall, 5.35PM.

 

_Where is he?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Phil's POV**

After getting home, he were so cold and muddy, so he cleaned himself up with a hot shower. Removing his clothes, he noticed the angry blue and purple bruises painted his skin on his stomach from the injuries of earlier. At least it was the only place of visible injury, as it could be covered with his clothes and well-hidden from prying eyes.

His mom were always worried about his wellbeing, and whilst he had told her about being a victim of bullying, he hadn't mentioned the seriousness of how bad it was. Her life were stressful enough for her as it was, always hardworking both at her work and at home, to provide for her two boys, and a big heart that could contain enough love and caring for a whole country. Probably more. Needless to say, she didn't need more troubles on her mind, not if Phil could handle it.

Not to speak about Phil's father that were staying at the hospital, more like living there for a couple of weeks, no _months_ now. He was treated for the weak condition of his heart, something he was born with but never really been a life threat until now.  
It had been stressful enough. He tried to see past the bullying, it wasn't that much of trouble. Phil loved his family so dearly and his selfless personality made him prioritise the matters of the ones he cared about, rather than his own problems.

  
After the shower, he brought on some baggy clothes, a comfy Adventure Time hoodie and Cookiemonster pants, and sat down at the kitchen table to start his History homework. It wasn't particularly difficult, and he went as far as doing at least half of it, but he suddenly felt drained of energy and not able to focus. Yawning, he stood up and laid down to take a nap in the sofa.

Apperently he had fallen fast asleep and only woke up by his mom lightly shaking his shoulder, telling him dinner's ready.  
Realising it's dinner time, he must've slept for hours already. _Great, how will I fall sleep tonight now?_  
He ate with his mom and older brother Michael, and had a pleasant time socialising with them. He didn't mention anything that Dan and his friends had done, only lightly discussed the History homework when asked about his day.

 

After dinner and finishing his homework, Phil browsed around on his phone, checking social media and messaging PJ for a while. Opening tumblr, he looked at some anime posts and reblogged some hilarious memes. _And that kitten is just so adorable, I'll reblog that one too!_

He noticed new posts from danisnotonfire, a nice blog he had followed for a good while now. But suddenly his blood ran cold as he saw the selfie picture of the apperent owner of this blog.

 _No, it couldn't be him. It's just somebody looking very alike him_. He shuddered. Who was he fooling? Even the name of the blog would be evidence enough.

 

It was Dan. Dan freaking Howell from his school. Dan, his _bully_.

He tried to take a deep breath to calm himself. But looking at the post above, his anger boiled.

 

It was a picture of his sneakers. _Phil's shoes!_ For gods sake, how dared he! His father had payed good money on these shoes, and Phil had got so happy getting them, as he rarely got gifts from his father nowadays.

His cursor hovered over the 'Ask me anything'- button, should he?  
He could be anonymous here, Dan didn't know of Phil's tumblr and so he couldn't get back at Phil in school.

Phil typed out a message for him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a headsup for some lighty depressive thoughts.

**Dan's POV**

After cleaning up after the dinner, Dan tried to call his brother again for the seventh time. It was odd for him to be this late so Dan had started to worry.

_He's 14 for f*cks sake, he can take care of himself, he'll be fine without me._  
But Alex being the person he cared about the most in the world, he didn't stop worry. What if something really had happened to him? He called again, for the 8th time.

"Hello?"

"Alex! Where the heck are you!?" Dan shouted into his phone when his brother finally picked up.  
"At a friends? I didn't tell you?" Alex replied, "sorry."  
"No you freaking _didn't_ tell me" Dan muttered. "What friend then?"  
"Just a friend from school. Don't worry Dan, I'm alive and kickin'."  
"Okay, that's specific..? " Dan pryed suspiciously.

"Yeah.. But I'm sleeping over at my friends' place so don't wait up." Alex spoke fast, as if he was anxious to just hang up already. "Goodnight Dan!" he said and then the line were dead.

"Goodnight little brother.." Dan mumbled back into the dead phone, puzzled about the strange behaviour his brother appeared to have.

 

He stood outside mom's closed door, deciding whether he would bring some leftovers from dinner to her, but knowing his mom being so irritated by everything he did when she was drunk, he quickly dropped that idea and went back to his room.   
He shot a short-lasted glance on the homework that was placed on the table, but ignored it with a sigh. He brought the laptop to his bed and lied down with it, rested it on his lap with an angle so he still were able to see the screen.

He put on some relaxing music and went to browse tumblr again. He noticed a few more likes on his posts, and a new ask-comment, so he clicked on it.  
He frowned, as he read it.

 

_**Anonymous asked:** "u are a mean person, so full of urself, can't u just think of other persons for 1 sec?!"_

 

Dan just stared at the comment for a moment, not knowing what to think. Who was this person? What were they basing that opinion from exactly, it wasn't like he interacted with other persons on tumblr, or even posted his opinions anywhere? What - he mostly just posted photos? How was that bothering others?

The questions overflowed his mind, and he shook his head at last. Maybe he could just ignore it? Yeah, he'd just ignore this. Probably just some random troll out there not having anything better to do than to throw shit at others.  
He stayed on the computer for a while longer but felt the sleep slowly took over and he made himself ready to go to bed, and went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. He stared at himself into the mirror, the comment from tumblr still lingered in the back of his mind. _Am I not good enough? Probably not, or else my dad would still be here. Or that's what mom says anyways._

He swallowed, his eyes faltered at the thought and looked anywhere but at himself.  
 _Maybe Alex finally realised that too? He doesn't need me anymore. No one wants me._

 

That night he went to bed with his head full of dark thoughts and a little too many worries. Truth was, he didn't get much sleep at all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Phil's POV**

 

 

With his ears filled with the lovely sound of Muse from his headphones, his favorite band, and so he walked through the neighbourhood on his way to school. It was still pretty dark outside since it was early in the november morning so the faint light from the lamp posts made the enviroment look ominous, with long shadows and poor sight. But the music kept his mind bright and away from fear.   
He checked his phone as he recieved a text from PJ.

**PJ: hey, meeting again by the scary hill?**

_Phil: yes ofc, im ther in 2min_

**PJ: Alright, see you there!**

He made his way over to the park, to "scary hill" which was his and PJ's made up name of the little hill that was in the small park. They had named it scary hill since back in the days of their childhood when they went to try out their new skiing equipment in the winterbreak, and Phil had been so scared to skii down the hill. So they'd just called it "scary hill" since. Not that it was a big hill or anything.

 

He waved lightly at PJ as he noticed his tall figure in the dark and they both started to walk together to school.  
"Morning there, are you ready for some brainwashing from today's classes?" PJ smiled, not looking half as tired as Phil felt. Phil felt like a walking zombie, craved any kind of caffeine. Sadly, he had been out of coffee back home.

"As ready as one could be" Phil yawned. He had to look where he put his feet on the ground so he wouldn't trip. That would be a bad addition to his already bruised torso. His old, purple converse reminded him of his loss of his new sneakers, which then reminded him of Dan, that had took them and posted it on the internet. _Like it was a trofee!_

He felt good about sending the anonymous message to Dan, it's not like Dan would care about it anyway. But Phil got to tell him off at least, only it was rather cowardly doing it anonymous and not face to face. But not a chance that would ever happen.

Phil noticed how PJ kept glancing at him oddly, but he didn't say anything. He knew already. He could keep the bullying a secret from his family, but not his best friend.

 

They came a bit early to school, so they usually had some time before class, for either panic studying for a test last minute or just chatting and in some cases, have some morning coffee if either of them had missed out on it home. Today it was the latter, as Phil's energy bar was critical and close to shutdown. He craved the caffaine, period.

They both got themselves a cup of steaming hot coffee from the small cafeteria, in which were selling only absolute garbage tasting food. The coffee were the only thing that were decent, luckily. PJ led the way over to the little secluded spot where they always sat, so they weren't bothered by anyone but yet had a good view out over the school halls.

Phil and PJ just sat there for a good while, only the coffee occupying their minds. Or, at least Phil's mind, PJ could be reciting Shakespeare in his head for whatever he knew. Once the paper mug was empty and the caffaine finally made a difference, as if someone cleared his head from that dizzy fog, Phil lifted his head up and checked the time. 10 minutes left. Good enough.

 

"Where's your new sneakers you had yesterday?" PJ asked, dragging Phil's mind back to the land of the living. "I thought you seemed pretty excited over those?"  
Phil looked down with saddened face. "Didn't want them to get dirty, it's rather muddy outside.." he lied, but PJ were nowhere near believeing that BS.

"Phil, where's your shoes?"  
Phil looked away, towards the stream of students that walked the hallway, suddenly saw Dan and his friends out there and quickly looked back at PJ in attempt to hide. Not that they would see them in their secluded spot. It was the good thing in the mornings that he didnt have to deal with his tormentors by being here.

"Phil." PJ called again. Right, he had yet to answer his question.

"They took them." Phil said quietly. "Yesterday after school."  
PJ didn't need to hear who, he already had that figured out. His friend's face darkened by his answer, sighed frustrated. 

"Bloody hell, I'm so sorry Phil. I know how happy you were seeing your dad and the shoes being a gift and all.." 

"It's okay Peej,.. "

"No, it's not Phil, don't let yourself believe that." PJ said and glanced at Phil's wrists that were placed onto the table. Phil followed his gaze and saw the scratches of Dan's nails glowing red and irritated against his pale skin. "They hurt you again, didn't they? And not only those marks on your wrist. It's more."

 

Phil nodded, he was again reminded of the pain of the bruises on his torso.

"Tell your parents, Phil. They care about you." PJ tried to argue, but Phil was not to be convinced.

"No, they really don't need more troubles to deal with. With Dad in hospital and everything, it would cause only stress and they really don't need any of that." Phil responded. "It's bad as it is."  
PJ seemed to disagree with that reply but nodded anyway, not pushing the matter.

 

The bell rang, told them it was time to leave for their classes so they got up and walked to the first class they had, luckily they had it together.  
He felt safer around PJ walking beside him, being both moral support as much as physical support. Not that he'd use PJ as a shield or anything, but it kept his tormentors away for most of the time. Any chance at not getting beat up was nice.  
PJ sat by the table close to the window and Phil weren't late to follow to sit beside him. And with that, another long and rather boring school day begun.


	6. Chapter 6

**Dan's POV**

Dan sat by the tables in the small cafeteria at lunch break, with Jack, William and Chris that was having a loud discussion about the upcoming party at Sugg's this Friday. Dan was shooting a comment here and there, but mostly he just sat quietly by the end of the table, eyeing other students that ate their lunch, while he was nibbling at a green apple that was his lunch.

The other students, a couple of girls over at the table next to them seemed to have a slightly more interesting subject of their conversation, something involving Kanye West and One Direction. So he just eavesdropped a little, in lack of anything else to do.

His eyes then landed on two students entering the cafeteria. Phil Lester and PJ. They don't usually show their faces in here so it caught his attention a little. The tall, ravenhaired student was talking enthusiastically with his friend as they bought some lunch, Dan could even hear him laughing from all the way over at the table he sat at across the room. Dan rolled his eyes, _what could be so funny now, Lester? Just wait, then you won't be laughing so much anymore._

 

He didn't know what he had against that lad, not really. But just upon seeing Phil Lester he felt annoyed, that rich little brat that just have a good fucking life. Always had it easy with school work, good grades and teachers that respected him. And having PJ as a best friend. Dan thought he was a pretty cool guy, he was annoyed of it being Phil and not himself that was friends with PJ. Not jealous though.

No, Phil had it damn good in his life, and he wasn't even trying to hide that fact one bit, he just had to rub it into everyones faces.

And with that endlessly annoying optimism, like, _are you for real that ignorant of the shitty world we live in? Or are you just that stupid._

"DAN!"

Someone yelled in his ear and shook his shoulder. He abruptly was brought back to focus on his friends, which all of them had their eyes on him waiting for him to answer.

"Yes, what!?" Dan rolled his eyes, annoyed to be in the center of attention.

"Are you deaf or some shit?" Jack laughed, " Anyways, we were going to Sugg's on Friday, right? We pick you up at 8, same place as always." he informed, not really asking if Dan was going to attend the party, always just assuming he'd be there.

"Yeah, 8 is fine" Dan confirmed and his friends went back to chatting again until lunch break was almost over.

 

The rest of the school day went by as a blur for Dan, as he mostly just zoned out on the real world and into the deep corners of his mind. He was thinking of the comment from yesterday and of his little brother, whom he hadn't seen for two days now. Alex was ignoring his texts again, most likely.

He was just concerned, like the worried parent he wasn't, and of which their mom did a terrible job at. Alex probably thought of it as nagging and irritating, so silence was all he got back from caring for him. He probably did it the wrong way, only making it worse, but what did he know about parenthood and raising a teenager? He was still a teenager himself, for gods sake.

 

Bored out of his mind, he tried to listen to the teacher, focusing for once. Mr Ketch was an okay teacher in English, he seemed sincerely concerned about his students wellbeing and education. He tried at least, more than the other teachers ever would.

He listened for a while, wrote in his notebook and it was rather interesting, at least. It was about passions and personality, and it's philosophy of everyones need to be a unique induvidual in the world, to find out what's making yourself just _you_ , while living in the same world.

Everyone was aiming to fit in, to be normal in this stupid society, because apperently normal was good, and being _unique_ , or more correctly phrased " _weird_ ", was a bad thing.

Mr Ketch ended the class with going through the upcoming essay they had to write about this subject, in which they had to describe their own induvidual passions. Dan did not like big projects like this, even if it was a written assignment of which he prefered.

And what would his essay even be about? Dan was as boring and insignificant as the trash in a trashcan.

What could he possibly write?


	7. Chapter 7

**Phil's POV**

 

Like in the morning, Phil was lucky to join PJ after school too, since they were in the same class and could walk home together. Which meant he most likely wouldn't get beaten today. He discretely shot glances to where Chris and Dan were back in the classroom, but they seemed too occupied with other things than to be bothered to mock Phil. 

That was relieving at least.

As the bell rang, the classroom quickly emptied but as always, PJ stayed behind to talk to his favorite teacher.

So Phil waited for him by the door, only listened with half ear as they rambled about the essay. He threw glances in the corridors, and flinched as he made eyecontact with Dan that stood at the other end of the corridor.

It was too late to hide since Dan had seen him, but Dan didn't come for him.   
He seemed to be calling someone, as he held a phone to his ear, a frustrated face and visibly impatient look on him. But Dan only stayed for a few moments before stomping away.

_What's up with him?_ Phil wondered, but shrugged for himself, not wanting to care about his bully's business.

 

 

PJ took at least ten minutes to finish, so Phil browsed through tumblr in the meanwhile, making time go. But finally he stepped out of the classroom, and they went and left some stuff in their lockers in the hallway.  
They got out of the school and started to walk the way home, PJ seemed content and were humming some melodies as they walked.

 

"Did you got all butterflies in your belly speaking to Mr. Ketch, Peej?" Phil asked and shot PJ a teasing grin.

"Shut up, you!" PJ defended himself. "It's an interesting subject to discuss, alright?".

"Surely. I wonder who's asking for a date first, out of you two." Phil kept teasing, he had suspected PJ to have some sort of crush on their young, rather handsome English teacher. PJ pouted, visibly flushed face.

"No, you moron! That's not happening alright, just shut your bloody mouth, Phil. And even if it theoretically were to happen, -" 

" _Theoretically_ " Phil made air quotes with his fingers while grinning.

" .. Yes, theoretically. It's not right considering he's a teacher and I'm his student. I just think he's got cool opinions and stuff."

"And he's got the looks."

".. Yeah, I wouldn't deny he is rather good looking too." PJ admitted flustered, clearly not enjoying this conversation.

"Someone's clearly having sexy dreams about this hot teacher." Phil winks mockingly at PJ but that was obviously drawing the line.

"Shut your fricking mouth, you're withdrawn from my birthday party invitation list, permanently!" PJ threatened jokingly, but with a serious undertone telling Phil he should stop.

"Okay, sorry Peej, please let me attend your b-day party!" he pleaded, but PJ groaned unconvinced.

"No, you wasted that chance"

"I'll be nice, Peeeej!"

 

PJ rolled his eyes at their silly conversation but shoved Phil friendly in the shoulder and gave in. "Fine."  
They reached the scary hills, which was their point to split up and walk in different directions as they lived on different streets. 

They were almost getting out of each others sights when Phil shouted a last thing to PJ. "I'm betting on Mr. Ketch to ask you out, Peej!"   
PJ didn't reply, just threw him his middle finger and then they parted ways and went home.

 

 

His mom were working late today, so he prepared some dinner together with his brother.   
But as it turns out, neither of them can cook so they ended up burning the food in the frying pan and caused the fire alarm to go off in a piercing, loud sound. 

A few more moments later the fire alarm turned itself off after they thrown the frying pan under cold water and eventually cooled down the hot frying pan, and left them with a shocking silence as the brothers stared at each other.

Then they laughed.   
"Oh god, Phil we are such babies!" Michael commented through his laughter.

"Such amatours!" Phil agreed, his stomach hurted really bad whilst he was laughing due his injuries so he tried to keep it down as good as possible.

"Did you burn your fingers badly?" his brother wondered, upon seeing Phil's hurting face.  
"Just a little. But well, do you know what this means then?" Phil replied, trying to avoid the subject of his injuries.

"No tell me"

"We've gotta order pizza now." Phil smiled, as he really longed for some good pizza now.

"Say no more!"

 

 

  
Later, Phil layed allover his bed, so full of the pizza and snacks he'd eaten, groaning into his pillow. He pried his eyes open so he wouldn't fall asleep just yet, and went to check his phone.   
He tweeted a funny tweet about the cooking faliure earlier, not even had to exaggerate. He chuckled for himself and then went on tumblr again. He didn't see any new post from Dan, which he took as a good sign, probably.

He wondered if Dan had read his comment from yesterday. Maybe he could send him another one? He lingered over the ask-button again, hesitated. It had felt so good getting back at Dan, in his own cowardly way. He could channel his anger through messages, it's not like Dan would care much anyway. And if he did, that's just his own fault for messing with Phil. He chuckled at his own thoughts.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! this chapter contains some self-loathing and stuff.  
> also, a fair warning this fic will go quite dark later on, so read at own risk! (i will write warnings in authors notes when needed)  
> have a nice day<3

**Dan's POV**

"Omg, you don't need to baby me, Dan!"  
"I'm only concerned where you've been!"

Alex rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically, glared at Dan with a face that literally told him ' _Are you serious?_ '.

"C'mon, don't act like you're a grown-up with making all decisions by yourself here! You're just 14 and I'm not sure I trust your friends..-" Dan tried to reason but Alex interupted him.

"Dan, just-.. Seriously?! Are you one to talk here? Really? You're not adult either so don't fucking tell me how to live my life. Concerning my friends, they ain't half as bad as your so called 'friends'. You go out like every weekend on parties with them, and I've heard rumours from school they are pretty nasty." Alex was breathing forcefully and it looked like he could punch Dan right here and now. But he didn't.

 

He stood up and begun to walk upstairs to his room, but stops in the middle way of the steps, turning toward Dan as if to say something.  
Dan wanted to tell him he did this cause he wanted to protect his little brother from the shitty decisions that he had made himself, gotten himself the friends that he had, and a bad lifestyle. Alex was the most important thing in his life. But he didn't admit this out loud.

They stared at each other for a few seconds, but then Alex turned back and went to his room, door slammed with a bang that was heard in the whole house. And so they left with words unsaid.

 

He stayed in the kitchen, sitting by the table with his face in his hands, breathing unevenly. He was not crying. Of course he didn't. _Losers cry. You're not a loser. You're Dan freaking Howell._  
His attempts of encouraging himself were not working. He sighed for himself, decided to go out for a walk to clear his head when he heard keys in the locks of the front door, meaning his mom were home.

Quickly, as by reflex, he dried off any sign of wetness from his cheeks, _not tears_ , and took a deep breath to calm his shaky breathing. Mere seconds later, his mom appeared in the kitchen, looking endlessly tired and wasted from alcohol. Her hair was set in a ponytail but most hair had slipped off and hanged down her cheeks in greasy stripes. Dan stood up uncertainly, wanting to leave.

"Hello Mom" he greeted her with a small, fake smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Dan tried to be kind to her, she was still his mom.

She grunted something in reply but did spare him a glance and a weak smile for a second, which was more than he expected at least.  
He chose his words carefully, not wanting to upset her in anyway, because that was easily done. "You look like you had a long day, mom. I think a long, hot shower will help you relax and enjoy the rest of the evening. I'll prepare dinner in the meanwhile."

"That doesn't sound too bad actually..." she pondered, and nodded to herself. She walked forward to Dan and ruffled his straightened hair so it didn't look so straight anymore.

Then she embraced him with her arms in a hug, which surprised Dan rather much, but enjoyed it while it lasted. The warmness of the hug made him aware of how much he lacked affection and body contact. He missed being hugged.

He felt a lump in his throat again, and he swallowed desperately, not wanting to cry. He was almost never hugged, not even as a child. He remembered his grandma's warm hugs and kind words, always had time for hugs and listen to all the stories he had to tell, tell her of things that happened in his life. Grandma had been his favorite person in the world. But now she was dead, and so with her disappeared the countless, warm hugs.

His parents hadn't want to hug him. No, his parents made it clear he wasn't apprieciated since as long as he could remember. He wasn't wanted. He never was.

The hug didn't last longer than a few seconds, much to Dan's dislike. Hugs were very rare, not only from his mom, but from everyone. He think last hug he had was from Alex, around christmas last year. And it's already November now. He really craved some sort of comfort, but no one were there to give him that.

 

After getting a hug from his mom, he were kind of hoping for her to join him for dinner. He had prepared some tortellini and cheese sauce, it was an easy but tasty dish that he was pretty sure his mom liked. But after she had gotten ready after the shower, she just grabbed some of the food that were placed onto the table and went inside her room to eat. He also heard a bottle of wine being opened and that's when Dan understood he wouldn't see much of his mom this day.  
He scolded himself for even thinking to getting any hopes up, while poking around the food with his fork like a child.

 

 

Later on, he lied in bed with his laptop again and as he clicked his way onto tumblr, he saw a new ask-comment. Anonymous. _Again_.

_**Anonymous said:** u r such a bigoted retard. why arent u in the trash already u garbage._

What was this? Why did he get these comments all of a sudden? Although, the comment stated nothing untrue, he was nothing more than some garbage.  
He thought about his friends, how they probably saw him as just that. Dan had many friends. He was one of the popular guys in school.

 

But he didn't _feel_ popular. Popular meant being liked by many, right? He didn't _feel_ well-liked. No, to be compeletly honest, he didn't feel liked by anyone in particular. Not Chris. Not Jack. Not William. Not anyone.  
It's just that, he'd be off much worse without them. Go partying, being loud and unrespectful to the teachers, and picking on people that wasn't popular. It wasn't pretty, but at least he wasn't bullied? He'd learn that the hard way.

But they weren't his friends. Not really.  
He wished he had a friend, _a real friend._

He just felt so lonely.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hii!  
> this chapter will contain bullying, abuse and rough words, so be warned!  
> (im sorry i keep torment these guys, and to be honest, shit will go down from here and later on, 'kay? dont kill me!)

**Phil's POV**

Phil wrote hurriedly in his notebook. He wasn't in a hurry or anything, just wanted this essay to be done as soon as possible, cause he hated to have remaining homework left to do, he'd rather finish them off at school. It was Friday, and if he could avoid school works on the weekends, he would.  
The words kept flowing from his mind, he wrote almost absentmindly, sentence after sentence. It wasn't some tricky subject really, since he wrote much from his personal experiences, because the essay was about his life and personality. He just had a lot to say.

He didn't notice PJ standing up to talk to Mr. Ketch, or neither did he notice the school bells shrilling alarm nor the other students standing up to leave. No, his attention remained on his essay and would've stayed that way if someone wouldn't have slapped his notebook shut right in front of him.

His eyes snapped up in shock.

Chris. He was grinning with mocking, unkind eyes, and turned about and walked out.

 

Phil felt uneasy as he packed his stuff together and walked out alone in the school hall, only waving a short goodbye to PJ, who was talking to Mr. Ketch. He shook his head on PJ's behalf, his friend had gotten himself in a tricky situation of crushing on their teacher.

Phil went to his last class, which was Math. PJ didn't have this class with him so, with no other friends to go to he sat down by the window alone.  
Now, Math wasn't as easy for Phil. He couldn't make sense of all the numbers and letters in mathematical forms. Phil tried to focus for several minutes, as he didn't want any homework. But no matter how hard he tried, his mind wandered away along with other thoughts. Maybe he could go visiting his dad at the hospital this weekend? He'd been so kind last weekend, joining them for a trip to the mall even though that must've been draining a lot of his energy these days. Bought Phil those nice, white sneakers...

 _Shoes which I don't own anymore_ , he thought sadly.  
What would his dad think? He can't see Phil wearing his old converse, he'd think his son didn't appriciate his gift. He can't go see his dad now.

Maybe he could stumble on purpose so he'd sprain his ankles and had to wear bandage around his feet and then wouldn't be able to use his normal shoes? _Don't be so ridiculous._  
He shook his head at himself, feeling silly.

 

 

When the bell rang for the last time that day, Phil hadn't got much done. It was already getting dark outside the window and the rain were pouring down, illuminated by the lamp posts faint lights. It looked kind of beautiful from here, but he knew it was going to be rather cold. And wet, of course. _Bloody November._

 

He noticed he had eyes on him, Chris and Jack weren't that discrete while they chatted about Phil back in the classroom as they packed their stuff to leave.

_Here we go again, then._

Phil hurried outside to the hallway, aiming for the bathroom instead of lockers, since it's the opposite way and his tormentors maybe would think he walked over to his locker. Maybe. That was what he helplessly tried to tell himself, anyway.

But _oh no,_ why would he be lucky today, out of any day?

 

As he turned around the corner at the end of the wall where you turn to go to the bathrooms, he ran straight into someone.  
He yelped in surprise, and looked to see who he'd ran into.

Yeah. _Good one, Phil_. It was Dan.

 

"Oi, twat!" Dan shouted annoyed, " are you fucking blind or what?". He gave Phil a hard shove into the wall, his head smashed into the hard surface that gave him a blinding pain for a moment. Phil kept his mouth shut, talking back was pointless. But so was ignoring Dan's question too, apperently.

A kick to his leg. "You think you're better than me, that's why you don't speak? Or are you fucking mute too, maybe?" Dan shouted, loud enough for his friends to hear, as they came over to where they stood by the bathroom doors.

"Oi, what's going on here, Dan?" Jack asked Dan.

"This arrogant emo kid just ran into me and he's far too up his arse to bloody apologise!" Dan kicked at Phil's leg again, and he yelped in pain.

"We can't have that now, can we? People like you should show some respect!" Chris struck him against his jaw and Phil's hand flew up to hold it, as if it would fall off if he let go. It hurt.

It hurted so much.

"Speak, when spoken to, wanker!" someone hissed in his ear, and Phil flinched away from the voice, with his eyes pressed shut.

 

As they got no response whatsoever from Phil, they decided to take this further. Strong hands gripped him and they forced him into the bathroom and into one of the bathroom stalls, pressing Phil's head down toward the toilets.

"N-no, please, no!" Phil pleaded with a small voice, but he was shown no mercy.

"He speaks." someone said sniggering. "Well, too late for that now, isn't it, you twat?"

"Try to talk now!"

And with that they shoved down Phil's face into the toilet and flushed. Phil struggled and tried to move, he couldn't breathe and he got water in his airways that caused him to cough violently, but they kept holding him down.

 

It felt like eternities multiplied until they finally let go, letting him sit down beside the toilet, feeling as he would pass out any second now.  
He heard somebody talking, and there were someone laughing, but it felt distant, as if he heard it from underwater. Ironically he had been, in fact, underwater until now. He was to tired to even react to that.

 

Minutes passed, it was quiet.

They must've left.  
_Good_.

 

Slowly, reality started to come back to him.

First, he noticed he was pretty cold. Seeing as his whole head and pretty much his whole upper body were drenched in water cooling him down, that wasn't a very unreasonable feeling.

Then the pain came, his leg, his jaw. The back of his head throbbed, made him feeling dizzy in the aching pain.

 

He wondered how long he'd been sitting here.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of alcohol, slight violence and angst, i guess.

**Dan's POV**

 

His mom were a complete mess today. She had not even been to work today, instead been staying home with company of her very best friend, whiskey. Dan wondered how she even kept her job, being in this drunk state all the time.   
She'd got stains on the sofa, of alcohol and something else that seemed to be puke, he realised with a disgusted face.

He brought a glass of water for her, thinking she's probably dehydrated by now, and he offered it to her. When she ignored it, he just put it down on the tv table in front of her.

He was on his way upstairs when he heard a crash of glass hitting the floor. _There went another glass to waste that we need to buy a new one to replace._  
He sighed, and turned around, because he knew he couldn't leave the mess with risk of his mom injurying herself, because she wouldn't clean up that, of course not.

He took a shovel and a bucket, and started to clean up the glass on the wet floor. 

"I didn't _want_ water" his mom accused, making this Dan's fault as why she pushed the glass off the table.

"I apologise, I shouldn't have assumed, mom" Dan mumbled but were careful enough to articulate so his mom would hear.

She huffed and stood up, swayed a little as she had no sense of balance in her intoxicated head. But she started to walk out before Dan was done removing all the glass off the floor and Dan didn't even have time to alarm her before she shrieked as she cut her foot on some glass.

"Daniel you absolute fucker!" she shouted and struck Dan's head with an unexpected amount of power, knocking Dan off his balance and fell backwards down at the floor.  
He probably had cut himself too but the swelling pain from his head ached too much for him to even notice, even less to be bothered. 

His mom then left the room, and left Dan still sitting on the floor with his hands around his head. He sat there for a few minutes, regaining some power to stand up. 

When his head felt slightly less dizzy with pain, he slowly made his way up to standing position and went over to the kitchen to start cooking the dinner. With this state he didn't bother to make anything special, a nice soup would do.

 

Twenty minutes later he called his brother down, so they could have dinner together, like they use to. He waited for an answer, he almost didn't expect him to join him since Alex had avoided dinner with him the whole week. But then he heard footsteps coming downstairs and he smiled a little.

"Hey" Alex said, looking uncertain. He took in Dan's appearence and then the mess on the floor that Dan hadn't cleaned up yet. "What happened here?"  
"Just brought her some water, and she smashed the glass. Yeah." Dan replied looking down.

"I can clean up the rest, don't worry." Alex smiled reassuringly, and sat down by the kitchen table and begun to scoop some soup to his bowl.

"Thank you, Alex."

 

They ate during silence, it felt awkward since they hadn't really talked since they argued before.   
"I'm heading out with some friends later," Dan mentioned, "just so you know."   
" _Right._ " Alex rolled his eyes, and Dan knew he thought he was unfair, as he was against of Alex going out. He wasn't against of Alex going out and having fun, of course not. He only wanted it to be good friends, not like Dan's own friends.

But more than likely, his brother had better friends than himself.

 

After dinner and having cleaned his cuts on his arms from the glass shards, he went to take a shower and put on some fresh clothes that he'd wear on the party later.

Out of sheer habit, he went on tumblr again. And oh yes, _there it was_. Amongst the liked and reblogs, he found a new ask-comment. He swallowed thickly.

 

_**Anonymous said:** I wish you didn't exist._

 

He stared. And stared. And stared until he felt something wet drip down his cheeks and onto his hands. 

Then he slammed his laptop shut and went downstairs, where it was dark and quiet, into the kitchen and brought out one of mom's bottles of alcohol, opened it and started downing it straight from the bottle. He was going to drink at the party anyway, why not start a bit earlier?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeeh, im sorry !! poor babies


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm sorry I haven't been updating much lately, I really haven't forgotten I promise. I just had lack of motivation tbh.  
> I hope you'll like it though!
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of alcohol and throwing up.

**Phil's POV**

Phil layed slouched in a comfortable, soft couch, watching the the ending of Interstellar, for the third time. It was a good movie, one of the best intergalactic movies that was ever made. Although, Gravity was good too. And don't forget Star Wars, of course.  
He heard PJ snoring at the other end of the couch.   
"Ugh you missed the ending once again, Peej" Phil mumbled quietly, mostly to himself rather than to his sleeping friend.

He was staying over at PJ's place, at his mom's place. It was not that close to home, so he'd have to go by bus to get here, rather than walk as that was how he got to PJ's dad's place in Phil's own neighbourhood. So it was easier to just sleep over. Also, it was more fun too, movie nights and all. _Or well, maybe if he was awake_. Phil laughed quietly for himself.

He went to fix the mattress he was going to sleep on, next to PJ's bed and went to get ready for bed. With brushed teeth and a pokémon themed tee as sleeping wear, he went to wake up his friend to spare him the horrible sensation for the neck that was the consequence of sleeping in the couch.  
"Hrmm, what time is it?" PJ mumbled sleepily, and stood up.

"Just past one am. Come on, you can keep on sleeping in your bed." Phil led a sleepy PJ up the stairs and in to his room, then PJ quickly changed and were in bed in no time.

Phil went to sleep too, but his mind were still too much awake. His head and leg still ached from earlier today, so he probably needed resting to get better.   
But he couldn't fall asleep, his mind kept swirling with lots of thoughts. After trying at least an hour, he gave up and got up, put on a jacket and his converse, then went out for a walk.

 

 _Gosh, it's freezing cold!_ He hugged himself and dragged the zipper up as far as he could on his jacket. The air he breathed came out like smoke from his mouth. He and PJ used to pretend that they were smoking when they were younger, blowing out warm air into the cold atmosphere. He smiled at the memory.  
He walks and walks, he was pretty familiar to the area around here, spending much time here when he were with PJ. 

A couple of loud teenager were heading his way, and he'd rather not meeting them right now this hour. Or any hour, but yeah. _Especially not this hour._ So he turned right and went into the small park that was next to the street.   
It was so dark there, no lamp posts shone their lights in the park. He almost walked into a tree, only missing it by mere centimeters. But his eyes got used to the darkness pretty fast, luckily, and soon were able to watch where he stepped his feet on the ground.  
He noticed something in the grass right next to him and he crouched down to investigate what it was. It was a person, he realised, suddenly feeling ominous. _Are they dead? Did I just stumble upon a corpse?!_   
Scared, he let out his hand to roll the body over, so he could see the face, and see if they were breathing.

 

His breath hitched when he saw the familiar face of his tormentor, Dan.

 

He suddenly ran, ran away from the body, away from the park. His body acted out of adrenaline, and his pulse were going crazy, but he made himself stop.   
No, he couldn't leave Dan there, not a chance. No matter how terrified he was, he had to go back. Determine if he really were dead. He didn't even check if he was alive, maybe he could be saved?

Taking deep breaths, he soon were breathing normal enough to go back to where Dan were. It wasn't far. He crouched down again beside Dan, and held out a trembeling hand over Dan's mouth. He felt a faint breath of air against his palm.  
 _Oh thank god, he breathes! He's alive!_

He let out a relieved sigh at this, and relaxed a bit. But he had to help Dan now, he can't stay here on the cold ground.  
He grabbed Dan's arm and tried to shake him awake gently, and then a bit harder until Dan let out a groan, or noise of some kind.

"Good, please wake up, Dan" Phil tried to reason with what seemed to be a very drunk Dan, due the disgusting smell of alcohol he now noticedm, and thankfully, Dan moved a little.

"Whmm.. wha's.. goi'n on.." 

"You're lying on the cold ground, Dan, let's get you out of here, yeah?" Phil tried to drag Dan up to sitting position, but he only ended up leaning onto Phil. _Oh well, this is probably how it's going to be._  
Phil removed his jacket and helped put it on Dan, so he wouldn't be so cold. He was shivering immediently, but he barely noticed.

"Come here, work with me, Dan. Try focus on standing up now, yeah?" Phil shook Dan again gently to make him more aware, then tried to lift him up so he'd stand on his feet.  
He almost fell down at first but Phil got Dan's arm over his own neck and held onto his torso to support him, so that Dan stood up by leaning onto Phil.

"Good Dan, come on now, let's get out of this park and we'll call a taxi from there." Phil explained for Dan, as Dan, barely concious, nodded slightly.   
It took some time, but soon they had made it out of the park and Phil let Dan sit down at the nearest bench, and went to call for a taxi.

 

As the taxi finally came and they got into the car, the taxi driver asked where they wanted to go.  
"Dan, tell me your street where you live. Where is your house?" Phil asked Dan who had his eyes locked, almost sleeping. He shook him by the shoulder and repeated his question for him. It worked this time thankfully and Dan mumbled his address, he slurred but Phil knew that street so he understood anyway.  
So he told the driver their destination and drove off.

Dan had dozed off, leaning against the car window and snoring lightly when they arrived the address. Phil payed the driver and got out of the car and went around to where Dan was and woke him up, although that seemed to be difficult.  
After trying for several minutes, the taxi driver started to get impatient, Phil noticed, so he just went with lifting Dan up and once he was out of the car and stood on his feet on the ground, Dan seemed at least concious enough to not fall over. Well, not counting how much he leaned onto Phil.

He nodded a little at the driver as a thank you, whereas he took off the moment he were free of them, and drove off into the darkness.

 

So here he stood in just a jacket, no scratch that, only his pyjamas cause Dan had Phil's jacket. Dan mumbled something inaudiable and Phil just hoped Dan wouldn't remember this in the morning.  
That would be awkward, needless to say.

"Dan?" Phil asked the really sleepy Dan hanging onto his shoulder.

"Mmm what" Dan slurred in a reply. Good. He's awake enough to answer anyway.

"Can you show me where you live? What house, so I can help you there? "

A low groan, and Dan looked up ever so sleepily, pointing at a house, that looked quite.. unwelcoming, like no one lived there.   
_He lives there?_ Phil made a confused face but didn't comment at it.  
It's probably nicer inside.

They made it over to the little house, slowly, as Dan were nowhere close to be able to walk fast or even normal speed.   
"Keys 'n the'bird" Dan mumbled, and Phil were just to retreat the keys from underneath the little porcelain bird by their feet, when Dan let go with a fall to his knees and bent over the bush and heaved out the contains of his stomach, supposedly from all the consumed alcohol.

Phil were mildly disgusted but crouched beside Dan and comforted him as good as he could in this situation, not really knowing what to do, while Dan kept hulking and spitting into the bush.  
"Just get it all out, then it'll feel better", Phil tried to help.

They probably sat there for ten minutes, and Phil's feet had just fallen asleep, when Dan sat back at the ground, wiping his mouth with his hand. Phil saw it as a good place to start getting him inside to his bed.  
"Okay," Phil took the keys again and locked up the front door and looked inside. It was really dark, not a single light were on. He felt his fingers along the wall until he found the lamp switch and a faint hallway lamp lit the room up. He scrunched his nose as he felt a faint smell of alcohol and something else he didn't really want to find out. ", let's get this overwith."

 

He helped Dan up and led him inside, as he seemed be willing to take the lead when he got inside and stumbled up the stairs and into what seemed to be Dan's room.   
Phil lighted the place up with the night lamp and Dan crashed with no other comment in his bed, and Phil sighed relieved. He saw a water glas on Dan's nightstand, of which he took to the bathroom next door and filled with water, and put it back on the night stand. He'd probably need much water since he was so drunk.

Phil turned around to leave as he saw something in the corner. His sneakers? _Wow, Dan really kept them here?_ He felt himself anger, again being reminded of who Dan was to him, his bully. Phil turned his head to Dan but he was out like a light, so there was nothing he could do to confront him with that now. But, no way he'd leave his shoes here when he had access to them right in front of him!

Picking up his shoes, he noticed Dan still had his jacket on, and he was glad he noticed that. What if Dan knew of Phil being at his house? That couldn't end well, so he had to make it as he'd never been here with Dan. 

After struggling some with getting the jacket off Dan, he brought on the jacket himself and took his shoes and left the house.   
As soon as he got out of sight of the house, he let out a deep breath. 

 

_What a night!_


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for the support of this story! i appriciate it! 
> 
> warnings: dark thoughts, violence.

**Dan's POV**

Dan woke upon having his eyes blinded by an extreme light focused on his face. He rolled over to the side but it was still to bright to keep on sleeping now. Did he leave the blinds up before getting to bed? He couldn't remember.  
His head pounded like a sledgehammer at his brain and every smallest movement felt nauseating. Hangover. Ugh, he hated it. Why did he need to drink so much?

After spending like twenty minutes just to slowly sitting up in bed, he saw the full water glass on his night stand. Dan squinted his eyes, he didn't remember filling it. _Whatever, I just need to get hydrated now._ The water tasted so much better when you're really thirsty. He emptied it in two mere seconds.

He yawned, multiple times, and stood up, feeling dizzy with a massive headache, and made it over to the bathroom. He caught a sight of himself in the mirror, _god I look absolutely horrible!_ Even more than usual. He stared long enough to get depressive thoughts coming out of his mind, and he instantly felt like shit. After a long shower though, he felt slightly better and he went on to his room, put on some lazy outfit and plugged in his dead phone in charger.  
Many notifications popped up, but it was mostly just random snapchat videos of last night. He saw one video flashing by of himself downing a beer, looking disgusting. He shivered.

He had fun last night? Dan thinks he had, at least. He must've been really out of it, cause he remembers almost nothing afterwards.  
He tried to think back, but all he could remember were _cold_. And feeling like _shit_..  
And..  
_Blue eyes..?_

 

He was confused by this, was there a person afterwards? Did he brings someone home? He instantly felt slight panic from that thought. _Oh god, did someone see my home?_ Did they see what utterly piece of shit life he was living? Maybe that's why they're not still here.. No matter how he tried, the thoughts of blue eyes kept popping up in his mind. Were there something important with it that he needed to remember? Maybe he could remember better without a sick headache clouding his mind, so he tried to occupiy himself with some other things in the meanwhile.

 

Deciding to cleaning the house, was the activity that he landed on and he started picking up laundry around the house. He glanced inside Alex's room to see if he was there. He wasn't, Alex were some sort of inhuman species that were an early riser in the mornings, so he probably were outside the house already. He went inside his brothers room and picked up some piles of laundry for him.  
Doing the same for his mom, he saw her still sleeping heavily in her bed, so he quickly snatched some dirty clothes of hers lying on the floor, too.

As he had got all the laundry he needed, he brought the clothes in a big, old bag out of the house and down the street to the local, shared laundry room.  
He was met by an eldery man, sitting on one of the two, ugly green chairs that stood there by the four washing machines, loudly spinning. Dan smiled at the man as he passed him to put his laundry into one of the machines.  
"Hello, Mr Milton. How are we today?" he greeted politely, his neighbour being one of the few people he actually liked.

"Hello there, kid. " The elder, Mr. Milton, broke into a genuine smile, he seemed to be actually happy to see Dan, in all honesty. "I'm absolutely fine today, this morning came with a stunning surprise, yeah?"

Dan looked up with a confused face. "What would that be, sir?"

"The sun, of course!" Mr Milton laughed whole-heartedly, " it's so rare now in November, isn't it?".

"Certainly is, sir. I was woken up with the sun blinding my eyes, but otherwise it's really nice weather." Dan chuckled, able to smile a little as the old man lightened his mood.

"Oh dear." Mr. Milton smiled at his misfortune. " I was wondering, if you don't mind me asking, how are things going at home?" He asked with a caring tone, but with a tiny string of worry too, Dan could notice.

He looked down, avoiding Mr. Milton's wondering eyes, but could answer quick enough for it not to be suspicious.  
"Oh, it's alright, just the usual, yeah? "

"I see, that's good. However, Daniel, if there's trouble at home, don't be afraid to talk to me, I'm all ears." the old man smiled reasuringly, like he knew Dan wasn't compeletely honest in his answer.

"Thank you, sir, that is very kind." he replied as he finished the last thing on the washing machine before switching it on and the laundry started being washed.

"Good, good. Now, I won't keep you here all day with my twiddle twaddle! Say hi to your brother and mother, would you?." Mr. Milton finished the conversation.

"I will, sir. Have a good day! " Dan said and waved a little as he left the laundry room and went home again.

He spent a good while cleaning the house, only stopping to eat some sort of brunch so he wouldn't fall over with energy crashing down low. But it didn't help him as he was done, the whole house, apart from his mom's and Alex's, being more tidier and cleaner than it had for ages, and so he crashed into the sofa without hesitance and fell asleep in exhaustion.

He woke up by the sound of his mom talking aggressively into the phone, by the sound of it, it was likely someone of the guys his mom brought home sometimes. Dan and Alex unfortunaly knew those guys since they had spent many nights in this house with very thin walls.

Dan went up from the sofa, seeing it was close to dinner, he made some food out of some microwave food package, easy enough, while his mom ranted about loudly in the background.  
When he was finished he turned around with the food in his hands, but he hadn't noticed his mom coming up behind him and so he accidently walked into her, some tomato sauce splashed up her tee, staining it.  
His eyes widened, looking up at his mom as she noticed what he'd done and started screaming.

"You horrible little shit! What are you doing?" she growled enraged, slapping his chin with her free hand and left a burning red mark.

"I'm sorry, mom, I didn't see you!" he pleaded, " it was an accident!".

 

A kick to his leg.

A hit to his throat.

A punch onto his chest.

 

Tomato sauce and ceramic bowl splitters landed all over the kitchen floor.

 

 

"Of course it was an accident! _You_ were an accident."


	13. Chapter 13

**Phil's POV**

  
It wasn't like Phil longed for Dan to come back. He didn't.  
Maybe it was even relieving? No, not really. Just because Dan wasn't in school for the whole week, didn't mean he was free of his tormentors. He was kicked and shoved and made fun of, just as usual.

But since last Friday night, he had left Dan in a terrible state and couldn't help but wonder if he did the wrong choice to not bring him to the hospital. Dan was so cold and pale and so out of it, what if he got much worse afterwards? Phil felt guilty over this, but it was rather lame to feel responsible over someone he usually despised.

He just couldn't stop his caring heart from worrying.

It was his second class for the day, and he waited for the class to start as students still dropped in and sat down at their seats.  
The bell rang, and only seconds after the teacher had closed the door to begin the class, the door swung open again and Dan walked in.

_My god, he's pale. Was he still not alright, a whole week after?_

Phil glanced at Dan's direction every now and then, and Dan just looked really exhausted as he hunched over his desk, ignoring Chris trying to talk to him.  
"Mr. Lester, are we not pay attention in class?" the teacher suddenly called him, and he quickly faced back at the teacher with flustered face.  
"Oh, yes of course, miss Boyle" he replied sheepily, as the students laughed at him.

He didn't glance back at Dan again.

 

He met up with PJ at break and they bought some lunch and went to sit in their usual spot, their secluded little hideout, rather than sit with the rest of the students in the canteen.  
“You won’t tell me what brought that worried look on your face?” PJ asked when they had sat down, looking wary at Phil.

“What look?” Phil replied, trying to look innocent and confused.

“Phil.”

“I’m just..thinking of our math exam coming up. I’m rubbish, I don’t understand a single thing!” Phil tried to make up excuses but he knew PJ didn’t believe it. He was always a bad liar.

“Yeah right, you almost never worries about exams other times. Now, please tell me, the real reason. Because I know there is something else bothering you.” PJ looked at him, searching his face for clues. Apperently Phil is an open book.

 

He hadn’t told PJ about last week, with Dan. He didn’t know what to think himself. He didn’t want to admit to PJ, or even himself, that he was worried over Dan, because that would be rather fucked up, considering how Dan always treated him so bad. But he was human too though, he really couldn’t just leave Dan out in the cold to die. He didn’t wish death upon him. He sighed. Now he had seen Dan in school and while he didn’t look all that healthy, he wasn’t dead and that was what mattered. Right? He shouldn’t need to worry, so why did he? All Dan ever had done for him is making his life miserable.

 

“Talk to me.” PJ tried, his friend’s confused eyes on him. Worried. “Have something happened?”.

“I don’t know.. I mean yes, it have, but.. I don’t know why I feel this way about it..” Phil begun quietly, then took a bite out of his sandwich.

“Okay, I see. You are worried about something, and you don’t think it’s worth to waste energy of, like it’s something silly?” PJ tried to help, lingering for answers.

“Yeah, or maybe not silly, but still not worth my time, it's.. “ Phil spilled, but his words faded out into inaudible mumbling. He took another bite.

“I won't make you tell me, although it's not like you to keep secrets from me, so I cannot help but worry a little.” PJ said concerned, as he ate slowly.

Phil was quiet a while after that, debating whether he should tell PJ or not. It wasn't the worst thing PJ would hear of, that's for sure. And how long could he really go without spilling to his best friend anyway? Not long.  
“You wonder why I went home, like Friday night?” he started, and PJ perked up with his full attention, nodded at him to tell him to continue.

“I.. went for a walk and, and.. I found Dan in the park and-..”

“Dan Howell? From school?”

“..Yeah him. He were, kind of, passed out on the ground as I stumbled upon him and.. he looked really bad so I helped him get back home.” Phil fidgeted with the paper cover of his sandwich, nervously.

“Wow, okay..” PJ only said, thoughtfully, and went quiet for a minute.

 

Phil took the silence as a bad sign and wanted to explain himself but PJ spoke again before he could do that.  
“That's really _brave_ of you, Phil. You treat everyone with such kindness, even though some of said people are your enemies.” PJ smiled proudly of his friend. “ Don't be ashamed of being the better person, kill ‘em with your kindness, mate!”

“I guess.. yeah.” Phil said with red cheeks of the many compliments, “ but it's just.. I keep worrying over him. He's not been here all week until today and he looked all pale and-.. what I mean is that I worry even though he doesn't deserve it. It's stupid of me to do that, but I can't help it.”

“Hey, don't say that. No, he don't deserve it but maybe you can talk to him, help that lad by showing him some kindness and just maybe that can help him on a better path, you know? Show him there's so much better without all that violence.”

Phil just looked surprised at his friend, not expecting PJ to agree,nor even encourage him for it. “Um, how am I ever going to do that? Dan only speak with his fists. There's no way he's going to listen.”

PJ chuckled, “That, my friend, I can't answer. But I know you can, somehow”

“Thanks, that helps so much, Peej” Phil replied sarcastically, throwing some breadcrumbs at him from the sandwich.

“Oi, that's what I get from helping?!” PJ shouted, pretended to be offended, and brushed away crumbles from his sleeve.

“What do you mean? All you did was giving me some impossible advice!” Phil argued while chuckling and then took another bite of the remaining sandwich. He felt better now though, have spoken about Friday to PJ at last, and didn't get a bad reaction for it.

 

They spent the rest of the lunch break with some well-needed banter.

 

  
Phil returned to the classroom afterwards for next class, still in a pretty good mood so he hummed on a song quietly for himself as he waited. He reread some pages of his textbook as the students gathered by the door, the teacher was pretty late it seemed. They could usually just walk inside and wait but now they had to line up outside, much to Phil's dismay.

“What, nerd, do ye really need that?” a voice appeared and suddenly his textbook were ripped out of his hands, and passed over to another person. William, he noticed who it was, laughed and smacked his hand over Phil’s head. “We all know ye will get straight A’s anyway, no need with that filthy bragging.”

“I wasn't bragging-..” Phil objected but no one listened.

“Of course ye weren't, Mr All Perfect, now don't stand there and look all smug with yer fucking book! Yer not better than any of us, stop pissin' me off!" Willam growled, and hit Phil hard on his arm.  
That didn't make sense to Phil, but when did it ever? Everything, even just existing, seemed to piss them off.

"Oi, Dan, help me here with this wanker, eh?" William called out, to where Dan stood by the wall watching them in silence, but looked up as he heard his name, a little confused as he seemed to be in thoughts at firsts but quickly changed his expression to somewhat mockingly.

"Causing trouble again, Lester?" Dan walked over and grabbed Phil's shoulder, holding him in place and lifted his hand to hit him.  
But didn't. Dan just _froze_ , as he stared into Phil's eyes.

Many emotions blew over Dan's face, but none were even close to threating anymore.

Phil just saw... shock... and confusion..

 

And _fear._

 

Phil frowned. Why did Dan fear him all of a sudden?

 

Only seconds after, Dan bolted, and Phil just stared after him.

 

 

_What just happened?_

 

 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cliffy hanger, tehe
> 
> also, my art! (https://pasteldab.tumblr.com/post/164452439989/art-for-my-phanfic) dont use <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh thank u so much for supporting me, love you all!!  
> (also just gonna mention i uploaded this fic on wattpad, for whoever might want to read there: https://www.wattpad.com/story/120406936-darkshines )
> 
> here's another chapter! (i know it's rather shitty written, this one particularly)
> 
> warnings: panic attack

**Dan's POV**

_Blue eyes._  
He knew for sure, it was _those_ blue eyes.  
Blue eyes, from that night.

Dan barely breathed, he couldn't, as he ran through the corridors, out into the school yard and turned sharply left, around the corner of the building and kept running until he found an enough isolated spot, and sank down on the ground.  
He could barely focus on breathing, his face was sweating and red and he didn't know if that was caused by the running alone. Everything seemed to blurr around him and he could only hear the loud thuds of his racing heart in his ears. The world could be having a war, it wouldn't matter to Dan at this point. All he could think of was Phil.

He was overreacting, he knew that but right now it wouldn't matter, he felt scared.  
Phil had been to his home. Phil knew he had a shit home, and god, what if he met his alcoholic mom? Dan had tried hard to keep the information about his home conditions away from his friends, because who'd want to befriend such a tragic, poor loser who'd had to look after his mom?  Phil only had to tell them, and they'd turn against him, he knew these guys, they made fun of people like him, he would be a victim to bullying allover again.

 

Someone suddenly touched his shoulder, and Dan screamed in shock, looking up into blue eyes again. His eyes widened.  
"Dan, breathe! "

He couldn't breathe. Dan only tried to crawl backwards, away from him, but was met by a cold, hard wall behind him. He felt trapped.

"Dan, I won't hurt you! You are safe, no one is going to hurt you. Breathe with me, please? You're hyperventilating!"

Dan just stared at Phil, not really getting this information to make sense in his head. He stared as Phil lifted his hand and made motions with his hand. Breathing motions. Okay. He needed to breathe now.

Focus on breathing, he told himself. He tried.  
_Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out._  
"Breath in. Breath out" he heard Phil repeat it too.

 

Soon, his vision started to clear, and his body started to relax.  
He was safe, for now. He could breathe again.

"It's really good, Dan, you're doing fine. Just keep breathing, okay?" Phil said and Dan only nodded.

Soon he started to react to the fact that Phil was here and comforting him. Why would he do that? Dan had never been nice to him.  
"Wh-why are you doing this?" Dan choked out, carding his fingers through his fringe nervously, still fixating his eyes on Phil.

"I'm not sure, okay. But seeing someone having a panic attack, I really needed to do something." Phil replied truthfully, glancing sideways.

"I'm not having a panic attack" Dan mumbled.

"Yes, you did. I don't know what triggered it but it seemed pretty serious. Are you alright?" Phil kept on, and he sounded concerned.

Dan was only confused now. Phil being nice to him, out of all people. It made no sense! None of his friends would ever help him through a panic attack, they'd just think he was a freak. He _was_ a freak.  
Dan ignored his question, just kept on breathing unevenly.  
"Get on with it then. Mock me. Isn't that what you _really_ want to do? Dont play games with me, I'll kick your ass." Dan growled, his suspision grew bigger towards Phil cause there's no way he'd just do this out of kindness. He just want to get back, and doing it at his weakest point is his big chance.

"Why would I want that?" Phil asked.

"Why _wouldn't_ you? I'm not on your friendly side now, am I Phil?" Dan shot back defendingly.

"No, you're not." Phil replied shortly, making that fact clear as ice. "But I won't get back at you." Phil sounded uncertain as he uttered the last sentence, as he wasn't sure if he would get back or not.

"Right," Dan rolled his eyes. "You're going to tell them." he mumbled, not sure if it was aimed to Phil. He tried to rise, but standing up after such a energy draining event was difficult and he nearly tripped over Phil but caught balance last second.

"Okay, um," Phil stood up too and a confused expression read in his face. "Tell them what? Tell who?"

"Don't act stupid, you twat. About what you saw back at my home, I'll punch you so hard-.."

"Hold on, what? Why would I tell.. _anyone_ , that? " Phil interupted, not seeming to follow at all.

"Oh please, you know that'd be the perfect ammunition to get back at me, telling the school all about my shit situation" Dan spat.

Phil looked at him with an unreadable expression and then sighed. "Dan, I don't know why you think the worst out of people all the time, but I wouldn't do that. I won't tell anyone, if that's what worries you so much."

Dan huffed, but eyed him suspisiously. "Whatever. Good talk. Bye."  
And so he walked away, swaying a little at first but soon he was able to walk straight line again, and left Phil back there.

 

He barely admitted it to himself, but he was glad Phil had been there and helped him. He almost let on a tiny smile on his lips as he walked back into school.


	15. Chapter 15

**Phil's POV**

 

Phil had thought quite a lot about what had happened with Dan, after school. What madness had drove him to run after Dan, was a mystery, but noticing the other one having a panic attack, he couldn't just stand there without interfering.  
Seeing him like that worried him. And worrying about Dan, made Phil start worry about himself. Why was he caring about his bully, all of a sudden? Why! Was it some kind of stockholm syndrome or, what?!

Carding his fingers through his short hair, he sighed at himself. He needed to do something else, he can't just spend all his time with this nonsense thinking. Be productive!  
Yes, be productive! School work was productive. He decided to go to the local library, to get a nice change in study enviroment, so he brought on some decent wearables and took the bike over to the little building, only ten minutes away. The parking lot were almost empty, as always, and walking inside there were nobody but the old librarian to be seen.   
Phil greeted her with a smile, and sat down with his school books and notebook and begun to work. He more or less actively postponed studying math, he knew he wouldn't understand anything. 

 

A good half an hour into studying, his thoughts were distracted by someone talking outside. He couldn't make out what was said but directed his eyes towards the window by the entrance, spotting two younger boys in conversation. They seemed close, talking enthusiastically with eachother.   
He watched them talk for a minute, not really thinking of how it'd look creepy, just looking for any distraction from his school work. Then, the brown haired boy gave the other one a sweet kiss and turned to the entrance. Phil hastily looked away, down back at his scribbles as the boy walked in and plopped down at the same table as Phil. 

_Wow, there's several empty tables in here and you chose mine, thanks_ , he thought a little annoyed, glancing up at the boy.

He frowned. The boy looked almost just like Dan, only much younger. Could it be his brother? Phil didn't know Dan had a brother, but then again he didn't know much about Dan at all.  
He didn't notice he was full on staring until the boy cleared his throat, looking back at him with a confused glare.  
"Do I look funny, or what?" he commented and Phil looked away, chuckling embarrassed.

"Sorry, no." he excused and looked down at his math hieroglyphs.

"Sure mate" the boy said and he felt himself being watched for a while, he felt awkward and couldn't exactly focus on his work with such a surveillance on him.

"Are you stuck on that?" the boy asked again, minutes after and Phil glanced at him again, surprisedly.

"Noo... maybe? I'm sure there's some errors in the question itself" Phil said, not really wanting to admit being terrible at math to a kid.

"Can I see? I kind of love math, I'd love a challenge" the boy stood up and walked around the table to plop down beside Phil and looked over his homework for a while.  
"No, okay I see, you've got the functions all mixed up here" the boy picked up Phil's pencil and started to write out a formula, "let me show you how you should go about" and then he started go through the exercise, step by step. He seemed pretty entertained by doing this, the kid must really love math.  
He ended up going through all the exercises of the paper, explaining to him, and about fifty minutes later Phil found himself understand this part of the math a lot more. All thanks to this smart kid.

"Wow, I can't thank you enough," Phil said thankfully, " I will ace the test now for sure!"

"No problem, it was my pleasure" the boy beamed and stood up from his chair and made his way over to his place.

"I kind of recognize you, what's your name?" Phil's tongue suddenly slipped, not really intending to go there. He scolded himself internally.

"I'm Alex. You?" Alex replied while shoving his stuff into an old-looking backpack, " and who do I look like now?" 

"I'm Phil. And it's just..someone I know from school" Phil said, trying to avoid Dan's name by replying more unspecifically.

"Oh, I think I can guess who, upon seeing as your age is the same," Alex chuckled and shook his head" it's my brother Dan right?"

"Oh, um.. yes it is actually" Phil said hesitated, not sure where to go from here as he in fact, really were Dan's little brother he spent time with. It felt weird.

"We are really alike, we get that quite alot haha. You're a friend of his then? Didn't know any of his friends actually were nice." Alex looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Right, we're not.. we're more of acquaintances, really" Phil lied and laughed nervously.

"You should be his friend though, his friends are just a bunch of dickbags and he never seem to be happy nowadays, you seem like to be a nice enough person" Alex said cheerfully, now standing up and seemed ready to leave.

"Eh, yeah, I'll think about it.." Phil lied, knowing it wasn't going to happen in reality.

"Great, I'll be sure to mention you too for him. Cheers!" Alex waved a goodbye before skipping cheeringly out of the doors, before Phil had a chance to object, since mentioning him to Dan couldn't really be wise.   
He didn't pay much attention of it though, as he felt relieved over finally getting help with his math and so he picked up his books and went outside to go home with a smile. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya! hope you all are doing good <3
> 
> TW: panic attack

**Dan's POV**

Dan hadn't really wanted to go out last night and he regretted drinking so much. He always drank too much, _why?_ Did he want to end up like his mom or did he have a death wish maybe? Drinking himself to death?  
His answer to the latter thought kind of scared him for how appealing it was sounding to him. _Wow, can I be more pathetic? Just a suicidal, sad fucker._

But he kept thinking of it, nagging him throughout the day. To whom would it matter if he was gone?

 _Nobody, you will be missed by nobody,_ an evil voice laughed at him in his mind.  
Alex would miss him, he was his brother after all, he tried to reason.

But the voice kept arguing, _Alex doesn't need you, not as you need him. You're only keeping him down. He'll leave as soon as he can._  
Nodding to himself, he sat down on the floor, leaning to his bed and stared up in the ceiling. He felt tears prickling his eyes, he couldn't care about it now. He knew he was a crying, pathetic loser. Who was he trying to fool?

 _The bullies at my other school knew it. It was only a matter of time before my friends find out too._  
His breathing became irregular, he felt himself struggling to breathe again and he felt so dizzy.

Dan pulled at his shirt by the neck, he couldn't breathe and the panic crept around his throat, choking him.

_Why am I not dead already? I should be._

His lungs and airways hurted. His eyesight blurred. Out of tears, probably.

_I was a mistake. Mom didn't want me. My dad didn't want me. Even my stepdad didn't. Alex doesn't._

He felt his eyelids fall, closing out the world and he was welcoming the darkness.

 

  
It felt all too soon when he slowly opened his eyes, staring up into the faint light of his lamp in his room. Was he in heaven?  
Considering his enviroment, hell were more likely.  
Hell or reality, it was so similar nowadays.

He stared at the lamp for another minute before he heard the front door slam closed downstairs, telling him someone came home.  
Whoever it was, he didn't feel like be walked in on as he layed down on his floor, looking pale and sweaty from fainting. _Fainting._ Yeah, he fainted from another panic attack. _Pathetic._  
He sat up, and got onto his feet and grabbed his phone. No new messages. Why did he even think it'd have been any in the first place?

Some quick feet walked upstairs, he heard, and then a knock on his door.  
"Come in"

Alex opened his door and stepped inside, rosy cheeks from just been outside. He walked over to Dan's bed and lied down, hummed a little.

"Did you want something or..?" Dan wondered, as his brother hadn't said something yet.

"Not really," Alex grinned, "have you even got outside today? I didn't even hear you come home last night, it must've been late."  
Dan frowned slightly upon Alex's sudden cheery, talkactive self, he hadn't really talked much to him lately and he wondered why he did all of a sudden. He shrugged.

"I like my cave, okay? And yeah, it probably got a bit late yesterday. Where have you been then?"

"Just been at the mall. And library too." Alex fiddled with the end of Dan's checkered, monochrome blankets.

"I should've known you were such a nerd. No one goes to library nowadays, have you ever heard of something called wikipedia?" Dan chuckled.

" _Oi,_ it's a good place if you need to concentrate, alright!" Alex protested and threw Dan's pillow at Dan.

"Like you even need to study, smarty arse" Dan chuckled fondly, knowing his brother was a school genious, something that Dan was proud for, having such a smart brother.

"Yeah, to keep up being smart, I have to" Alex responded truthfully, yet smug.

"Note taken. Did you have fun with your books then?" Dan teased, happy having back his usual cheery brother, making him feel he was loved.

"It was. Oh, speaking of, I met your mate Phil, he said he knew you." Alex smiled, but Dan froze.

"..Oh."

"He said he wanted to be your friend. I mean, come on, let's be real, "Alex continued, not really acknowledging Dan's reaction to Phil's name, " your current friends are idiots. And speaking to Phil, he seemed really nice!"

 

Dan didn't know what to reply to that. "He..said that?"  
No, why would Phil ever say that. Coming to think about it, Dan didn't _deserve_ a friend like Phil, not after what he'd done to him anyway.

"Yeah, basically."

"I doubt that, though" Dan muttered.

"Oh Danny, don't think so low of yourself. Please go talk to him, tomorrow at school? Give it a chance, for me?" Alex pleaded, seemingly concerned for him. Dan dragged his hand over his face, hesitating to accept.

"Ugh, alright, I will try." he finally gave in and sighed, because, how the hell would that go down? Phil was kind enough to not punch him in the face, for all the things Dan had done to him. Asking to be his friend after all that? God - he already regretted this.

"Thank you," Alex smiled happily, "I really think you could use a good friend, Dan. I've noticed you've been rather down lately."

"That's thoughtful of you, Alex" Dan smiled, he didn't know his brother had cared about that, but was thankful for it.

Then Alex stood up and walked over to Dan and wrapped his arms around him in a warm hug. Dan happily hugged back, enjoying it to the fullest, as he didn't know how long he had to wait until next time.

 

 

"Thank you." he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my art in the middle, btw. please do not use!  
> *hugs!!* <3


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo! hope u are all doing good, here's yet another chap!   
> hope u enjoy <3  
> also, just saying i dont know much of the topics in the school assignment, so if there's incorrect stuff with that, well, that's why : ]

**Phil's POV**

"Wow, Peej, can you believe it? " Phil gestured with his hands enthusiastically, "he _smiled_ at me in the corridor? Actually smiled?"

"Tell me again and I might just remember that" PJ rolled his eyes, " and secondly, are you crushing on him or something, because the way you react out that simple act of kindness tells me you do".

"Come on, don't mock me, I'm not crushing on him, what are you on about?" Phil defended himself, pouted as he sat back on his chair. "But it was rather unbelievable, wasn't it?"  
PJ chuckled, he wouldn't be able to change subject anytime soon. "Yes, well, it was rather strange indeed. Maybe he have finally gotten some good into his head, after all."

"I wonder if I should speak to him. Is it too soon? We're not friends. Are we enemies? Does he hate me still? Will he still beat me up?" Phil just opened his mouth and all his questions swirling in his head, he rambled for PJ to hear. 

"Phil, mate, just. Leave it. For now? It's not much to do now, we'll probably have to wait and see, okay?" PJ attempted to wrap up their conversation about it, having talked about it all morning before class and seemed to get slightly done with it, strained smile and all.

"Okay, sorry, probably.." Phil fidgeted with the plastic lid from his cup of coffee and fell quiet, then glanced out of the halls from their table, noticing he was indeed looking for a tall,brownhaired person in particular. He rolled his eyes at himself. Why did Dan keep occupying his mind?  
PJ started speaking after a while of silence again and they eventually melted into an interesting conversation that lasted until they had to part their ways to the different classes they had to attend when school started.

 

  
"For the next hour, we'll work on some exercises regarding source critisism upon the two short essays about the Cold War that you should've read until today," their History teacher, Mrs Jordan, begun the class when everyone had sat down and she brought up the list of names with students of this class and looked down at it, " and you'll be working in groups of two, which, before you all move, I've assigned for you already."

The class sighed, as assigned groups were no favorite of theirs. Phil just hoped it was someone willing to work with him.  
Mrs Jordan started to read out names and when she mentioned Phil's assigned partner, he was releaved it was one of the quiet girls, Annie. This wasn't so bad.

They got to work, and the first five minutes he and Annie lightly discussed the essays' different views, it went good.  
Well, yeah, for the first five minutes, as mentioned before. Shortly after beginning the discussion, Annie excused herself, telling the teacher she had to leave due feeling sick, so she was off to nurses office. Phil was left alone with the exercise, and he kind of prefered it anyway. 

But Mrs Jordan wasn't pleased.

"Mr Lester, as your study partner just left, you'll now be working with Mr Howell, who is currently joining a group of three, so he'll split with that group and work with you instead. Please go sit by his table." she instructed Phil. He glanced over back to where Dan sat, empty seat beside him. 

 

Okay. Was this a good idea? He had absolutely no idea. But nor did he have a choice, so he rectulantly got up, bringing his assignment paper with him over to plop down beside Dan.

Dan frowned at him, surprised and hesitant. "Why are you here?" he questioned.

"Mrs Jordan reassigned our groups, as my partner left, so...she said I'd work with you." Phil told him, hoping it wouldn't cause him any trouble, even though it wasn't his choice.

"Oh, 'kay." Dan just said, as if dumbfounded.

"Right.. So.." Phil started, he could just as well just focusing on the assignment, " the two essays about the Cold war, paints two entirely different pictures and we'll discuss what they say differently and what- "

"I haven't read the essays" Dan interrupted, telling him as a matter of fact, weighing his head onto his wrist, half turned towards Phil's direction.

"Okay then." Phil sighed quietly, of course Dan hadn't. Phil might as well just work alone on this after all. He told Dan as much.

Dan looked up and met Phil's eyes, disagreeing. "No, of course not. I can help too."

"But if you haven't read the essays this will take up the whole class anyway" Phil argued.  
Dan looked down, pressing his lips to a flat line. Phil looked at him, still waiting for an answer.  
"Look," Dan begun, " I.. do have read both essays. I just don't follow the meanings and points and whatever, I might aswell not have read them." he admitted quietly, as if ashamed.

Phil frowned at first, seeing Dan like this as if he was an entirely different person, not at all the Dan he knew. This Dan was careful and quiet, not at all the rude bully of his. Careful not to mention it out loud, he smiled at him.

"That's alright, though. If you've read it we can just lightly go through them together and work out the stuff you didn't get. Does that sound good?"

Dan looked at him a few moments before nodding. "Sounds okay, yeah." He looked down at his first essay, skimming through the content quickly, his fingers folding at the corners of the paper nervously. Why was Dan so nervous? If anyone, it should be Phil who should be nervous, as he sat next to his bully. It didn't make sense.  
He decided to ignore it for now.

 

"Okay, let's start with the first essay. Certain principles can be applied onto this, for example, can you see what date this was written?" 

Dan searched in the text. " 1996, it says."

"Now check the other essay for when it was made." Phil told Dan, eyeing him to make sure he was following.

Dan checked the other essay too, " 1978"

"So, the source closest to the event is the most reliable, which is here the second essay." Phil explained, pointing at said text.

"Okay I get that, but what's with all the other principles? It doesn't mention much about the US's mishaps here, but in the other text it's quite a bit about that. Did they have something against them?" Dan started to talk more freely and Phil could caught a glimpse of interest in Dan's eyes.

"You're definently on right track, see, there's different perspectives.." Phil continued explaining to Dan and as they went through the essays and even caught on some interesting discussions at it.

 

When the bell rang, they hadn't finished because they got wrapped up in a discussion, but Phil didn't really mind.   
He was stunned of how easy it had been to talk to Dan. Almost frightingly, because he had almost forgot what Dan had done and who he had been to Phil all this time until now.   
Phil packed his stuff together, quietly as he thought of where he stood in his relationship to Dan now. They had a nice conversation now, but that was also school work, they _had_ to work together. It didn't mean anything had changed when they step outside the classroom. He looked over at Dan, who had a smile playing over his lips, not seemingly so nervous anymore.

He was done packing before Dan and he contemplated wheather he should wait or leave without Dan. He wasn't Dan's friend, maybe it would be weird to wait for him?  
He decided to leave without him, but he had just gotten to the doorway when Dan called after him.

"Hey, hold on!"

Surprised, Phil stopped and turned around to look back at Dan, "Okay..?". Dan caught up with him at the doorway and they started walking together, heading for lunch.

"I just..thought maybe we could have lunch together. If you want. I mean, I just get if you don't, I just thought maybe you'd want cause -" Dan explained rushed, but Phil interrupted.

"Dan, you're just rambling now."

"Oh." Dan shut his mouth and scratched his neck. "But, do you?"

Did he? What would that even mean, sitting at the table next to all his bullies? Was this just another trick? No, he wouldn't sit by a table full of mean idiots. Dan thought he was clever, but no way that'd happen. He was going to meet PJ now anyways for lunch, and while Dan seemed rather sincere in his question, he wasn't going to trust him. Phil did have enough brain to know that, thank you.

"No, I'm meeting with my friend, he's probably waiting for me now." Phil dissmissivedly replied, feeling Dan's eyes on him from his side. Phil just glared in front of him as he walked.

"Oh okay. No worries. Just wondered." Dan replied sheepily.  
Dan sounded so sincerely disappointed with that, Phil felt a twinge of guilt for not accepting, but he knew he couldn't trust Dan. Not yet. Dan had to earn that trust back, after all he had done to Phil, it was only fair.

"See you around." Phil said before he broke off the main corridor that lead to the canteen, of which he wasn't going to.

Nope, he only ate his lunch with PJ in their more hidden-away place, as always.

It didn't stop him from looking back for Dan though, who walked rather unhappily towards the crowded canteen.

 

_Not your problem, Phil. Stop caring so much. Not your problem._

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aa i havent forgot, ill try be better at uploading new chaps!!  
> tw: slurs n bullying

**Dan's POV**

Click.  
Dan published a new photo of his on his tumblr. It was a picture of a cat's feet and it's dark reflection in a water puddle. It was a dark picture, but the paws' bright orange was a strong contrast to the monochrome surroundings, it stood out nicely. He smiled, it was one of his better photos.

He'd found himself in a good mood after school, so when it had stopped raining outside, he went out and brought his camera, because photographing after rain usually was beautiful. He'd walked down his street and that's when he'd seen the firekissed cat, it's glowing colour couldn't be missed by anyone.  
He approached it slowly to not scare it away and soon the cat walked forward to meet him, giving him strokes by his legs and he crouched down to scratch it behind it's ear, which it seemed to like, a soft purring coming from the cat. There was no collar on it so he didn't know who's cat it was or what it was called.

He played with it for a while and then brought out his camera, taking some photos.  
It was a beautiful cat, it's face kind and soft, so he took many photos of it's face. But somehow, he ended up uploading only it's paws, because the whole picture gave the most meaning, or that's what he thought anyway.

He'd been rectulant of going onto tumblr again, after these mean comments been sent to him. But he hadn't got any new hateful messages in over a week now, so he dared to upload a new post.  
Likes flooded in, as well as reblogs. Dan smiled at himself, feeling better of himself by finally doing something right.

 

_[my art, don't use]_

After having dinner together with Alex, which had start being routine again, thankfully, Dan had went upstairs for checking over his homeworks. The two history essays, doodled with Phil's notes and scribbles reminded him of their conversation earlier today.  
It had been so weird. Or rather, it hadn't. It had felt so easy to talk to Phil, and that was the weird part. Phil had kindly helped Dan through the exercise of which Dan didn't understand, and they both had laughed and had a good time. Or Dan had at least, but Phil seemed to aswell.

Although Dan fucked up of course afterwards by assuming they could hang out after the class ended, thought maybe Phil wanted to join him for lunch.  
Well, that was obviously not the case, Dan regretted even thinking that Phil would want to hang out with him. Dan earned this, he had made sure of that with all that bullying Phil before.

Why the hell would Phil want to hang out with his bully? Phil just made the best out of the situation when in class, of course. He wouldn't want to do that by own choice.  
All he could do was trying to make up for what he had done, starting with not keep bully him. Gosh, he couldn't, not ever again. Phil didn't deserve it. Dan sat down, feeling guiltier the more he thought about it.

Why had he bullied him even. It didn't feel right, he could no longer imagine how it'd ever felt right in the first place. Obviously Phil was the least person who deserved getting punched. If anyone deserved it, it would be Dan himself.  
No, he felt a need to make it up to Phil, even if Phil would not ever forgive him, but he had to try. Dan owned him that much.

 

The next day dragged on like the speed of Internet Explorer. Which was - very slow. No classes really interested Dan that much, and it didn't have anything to do with that Phil wasn't in his morning classes.  
Dan longed for lunch, his stomach rumbling. They started to run out of food again at home, so yesterday's dinner was small and he had to go without breakfast this morning. There were even doodles of tasty hamburgers and pastries in his notebook, if that was anything to go by.

Finally, the bell ringed and he quickly shoved all his belongings down his old bag and made a beeline over the door to get out as soon as possible. His bag weighed tons so he decided to drop it off in his locker before heading to the canteen.  
After dropping off his bag he walked down the corridor with quick feet. Suddenly he heard a distant sob, one he had heard before and recognized directly. Phil.

It came from boy's bathroom so he went back to go inside. Before opening the door, he heard laughs and sniggering, his friends of course. Who else would it be.  
He opened the door and revealed Chris and William standing by the sinks with a silently crying Phil sitting on the floor, his nose was bruised and beaten bloody and he was breathing unevenly. He didn't look up to see Dan arriving. Dan felt his heart drop.

"Seriously, can we stop this? Just leave him be!" Dan shouted at his friends with a sudden anger that exploded by seeing Phil like this. He felt really guilty, even though it hadn't been Dan who had been the cause of this, this time. But it was as much as his fault anyway.

Shocked faces of his friends glared at him, not expecting Dan shouting, or telling them off.  
"What? This?" William pointed over at Phil who hadn't looked up, even after Dan shouting. "He ran straight into me, damn twat!"

Dan stepped forward, his anger boiling. "So what? It's no fucking reason to beat him senseless! You are being really childish, both of you!"

"Danny, what's gotten into ye? Why are ye defending this wanker all of a sudden?" Chris complained confused, looking disturbed by Dan's accusation.

"Come on, Chris. Why are we doing this, huh? We're old enough to understand that this is silly as fuck. People act like this in like, primary school. It's no use!" Dan threw the words like daggers to his friends.

"Gee, calm yer tits, Dan. We're just playing, and besides, he was rude himself, tried to fucking run off after knocking into Will." Chris muttered, rolling his eyes.

"I'm pretty sure you have a fucked up view of "playing", Chris. Go play football or go skateboard; that's fun without having someone get hurt. This, " Dan gestured to Phil, "has to stop, now."

"'Kay, I'm done anywey. "Chris agreed nonchalantly, shrugging.

"I don't mean stop only this time, I mean stop this for good." Dan growled, digging his nails into his hands in his cramped fists by his sides.

"Whatever. Come Will, let's leave Romeo and Juliet alone " Chris muttered as he left the room, with William joining him and leaving Dan and Phil left to be alone.

 

Dan let out a big breath, all his anger ran out and he just felt drained of energy now. He looked at Phil and crouched down beside him.  
"Hey, are you.. alright?" Dan asked quietly.

Phil slowly looked up, meeting Dan's eyes with his blue, teary eyes, red from crying. He observed Dan for a moment, didn't answer immiediently.  
"I'm fine." he said with a raspy, rough voice.

"May I help you get to the nurse?" Dan offered, he didn't know how else he could help.

"No."

"But you're hurt!" Dan protested, getting some paper towells and gave to Phil, which he accepted and started cleaning up his blood off his face and hands.

"I said I'm fine." Phil said again and laughed dryly, " besides, it's not like me being hurt have mattered to you before, right?"

Dan looked down guilty, it's not like he could deny that. "I know that. I was an idiot, a big fucking idiot, and I apologize for that. I'm really sorry, Phil." He looked up and met Phil's eyes with sincere look. "I've decided to change for the better, okay? I won't hurt you anymore. I won't let anyone hurt you anymore."

Phil huffed, "Whatever you say, it's not like I'm ready to trust you on that."

"And I wouldn't either if I was you, but I will keep my word. Please let me take you to the nurse as a beginning to prove myself trustworthy." Dan tried, offering his hand to help Phil up to standing.

Phil took his hand and with a pained look over his face he got onto his feet and retreated his hand to throw away the bloodstained paper into the trashbin. "Thank you, but I really don't need to go there, I will only be sent home. It's unnessecary."

"Oh, okay I understand." Dan nodded.

Phil looked at him oddly for a moment, and Dan wondered if he had got something in his face but he didn't have time to ask before Phil spoke.  
"However, you'd be welcome to join me and PJ for lunch."

Dan frowned surprised, he hadn't expected that at all.  
"What?"

"Just accept before I change my mind." Phil mumbled, a blush tinted his cheeks.

"Um, yeah I'd love to." Dan accepted as he fought back a smile, but it was hard.

"Comeon then, let's go" Phil hurried Dan and so they left the small bathroom together.


	19. Chapter 19

**Phil's POV**

 

_ That was so stupid _ . He was so stupid, why did he have to invite Dan over for lunch? That's all kinds of against everything he planned to avoid Dan. He hadn't even asked about it, so why did Phil even offer it?

He sighed, what's done is done and Dan was now walking next to him in the corridor. He picked up his usual sandwich in his locker and glanced over to Dan.

"Will you head over to the cafeteria to get some lunch or do you have it with you here?" Phil wondered, since not everyone brought lunch with them to school.

"Oh, um, no." Dan answered timidly.

 

"That's not really specific. Are you bringing any lunch with you? We're not gonna sit in the cafeteria, as you might've noticed before." Phil rolled his eyes and looked at Dan questioningly.

"I'm not hungry really, so I'll just pass. I'd like to join you and PJ still though.. " Dan mumbled shortly, grabbing some books out of his locker as they passed it in their walk through the corridor.

 

Phil couldn't help but feel not everything he said was true,  _ surely Dan must be hungry? _ Maybe he's not feeling well then. 

"Okay, if you say so. Well let's go then. " Phil decided and Dan closed his locker and they walked quietly beside each other in the corridor.

Phil considered whether to bring Dan to the place he and PJ usually ate lunch, since it was kind of secret and no one really knew about it so they got their privacy. Bringing Dan there was definitely a risk, and no, he wasn't going to bring Dan there.

He texted PJ to meet up by some common room areas where students casually hung out or studied, there were tables there too where they could sit.

 

They had sat down by a table and not long after came PJ and joined them. Phil shot a nervous glance at PJ, not knowing his reaction to Dan joining their lunch today.

"Hi Phil!" PJ greeted him, his eyes travelling sideways to land on Dan next to Phil, "..Hello Dan." he also greeted Dan and it sounded more confused rather than unwelcoming.

 

"Hey.." Dan mumbled, his body rather stiff and an uncomfortable silence fell over the three of them, until PJ cleared his throat pointedly and caught Phil's eyes expectantly with a raised brow.

"Right, um, Dan will be joining lunch with us today, cause...um.." Phil's words faded out as he didn't really had an end to his sentence.

PJ still waited for a better reply, " Yeah?".

Phil squirmed under the attention of PJ's and Dan's eyes, he didn't know why Dan was here!? "Because, I invited him to. Just drop it. " he finally muttered, starting to eat his dry sandwich to get something else to focus on.

"Alright." PJ let it go for now, although his eyes told him this conversation wasn't over. He started eat out of his salad box too, leaving Dan to just sit in the middle with nothing to do other than watch them eat.

 

It was awkward, _really_ awkward.

 

"Not gonna eat, Dan?" PJ then asked, now noticing how Dan didn't have any lunch brought with him.

"No I'm not hungry." Dan replied once again, and Phil once again didn't believe him.

 

PJ huffed and took another take of his salad. "Phil, how did your math test go? Didn't you have it this morning, right?"

"Oh math? I aced it like never before." Phil smiled, glancing at Dan's tapping hands to the table. It should be annoying but Phil didn't mind really.

"Wow, that's great! Didn't you have so much issues with it only last week though?"

 

"Yes, well I.. got some help." Phil chuckled, thinking back to Dan's little brother. Dan glanced up and met Phil's eyes, as if he knew. Maybe Alex had told him that?

"That's fortunate. Did Michael help or? Although, I don't recall him to be much of a school nerd." PJ chuckled fondly, having grown up with Phil and his family, he knew them well.

 

"Haha, I wish. No, it was.." Phil hesitated with a quick glance to Dan and then back to PJ ", just someone at the library."

Dan seemed to perk up at that, realisation written in his face. "Hold on, was it Alex that helped you?!" he asked astonished.

"Yes, he's very good at math." Phil dared to smile at Dan who still looked confused with parted lips and wide eyes.

"Who's Alex?" PJ broke into the conversation again, not following.

"My little brother" Dan replied, "and yes he sure is talented." he smiled back at Phil.

 

Oh that _smile_ , though. It was so pure, so honest and proud and something Phil had never seen of Dan before. Surely, Dan had smiled many times before, but without any trace of kindness and honesty, and in completely different circumstances. Phil had to remind himself, Dan was his bully. Or had been. 

He wasn't sure he was anymore.

Phil caught himself staring at Dan's lips for a little too long, and he coughed embarrassed while looking away quickly.

 

PJ just chuckled at them, raising to his feet from his chair as for leaving.

"Gentlemen, I just realised I have some stuff to attend to before lunch's over, but do not rush." PJ explained, a discrete, but knowing smirk at Phil's way before looking at Dan. "Dan, thanks for your company. Phil, see you after school"

Phil looked back at PJ, confused of this sudden rush, he knew PJ well enough to know something's up. Why did he think leaving Phil with Dan alone was a good idea?

"Alright, see you Peej!" he replied though and then PJ left them both to sit alone.

 

Dan didn't seem to be too bothered by that though. "So you've met my bro."

Phil nodded. "He was a nice one. Very.. determined to play matchmaker of us becoming friends." he chuckled softly, taking another bite of his sandwich.

Dan huffed, shaking his head. "Well that's my stubborn bro for you." he replied fondly, then sighed. "Not that.. _ that _ would happen though."

"What, us being friends?" Phil asked perplexed.

"Yeah. Don't act like you don't already despise me, I know you do." Dan muttered.

 

"I don't despise you." Phil said, finding his words being true. He didn't despise Dan. "But I wouldn't go as far as saying I like you, I really don't."

"Go figure." Dan sighed, starting to tap his fingers on the table again, the both of them being quite a few minutes in loss of what to say.

Phil thought of what Dan said. Could he picture themselves as friends? Maybe? Possibly?

Was he willing to let Dan get a chance after everything he had done? Phil thought long and hard on that, but his final answer to it felt natural somehow. 

_ Yes. _ He was willing to do that.

 

"Dan." he called and Dan looked up.

"Yes?" he replied confused.

"I am willing to.. give the rest of my sandwich to you. I know you're hungry so don't refuse." Phil offered and put his sandwich in front of Dan, who looked surprised at the sandwich and then at Phil.

"Wha-"

"Just accept the sandwich, Dan." Phil ordered, and Dan gave in and made no effort in concealing the hungry bites out of the sandwich, casting a thankful look to Phil.

 

When the sandwich was no more - and that was less than a minute later, Phil stood up and Dan followed.

"Dan." 

"Yes, Phil?"

Phil smiled a little looking at Dan. "I'll give you a chance. For you to be my friend."

Dan gaped, dumbfounded. "Wait, really?"

"Yes really. Don't waste it."

 

Dan's face broke out in a beautiful smile for the second time, and Phil couldn't help but match that on his own face.

 

"I won't. Thank you Phil."


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, im sorry for the late update! i havent been that motivated to write or draw or anything creative for that matter. pretty tired from work and stuff D:   
> anyway, i hope you'll like 1.7k words as an apology in this chapter!

**Dan's POV**

 

It had been on Dan’s mind the entire day, and half into the night aswell, he couldn’t sleep since both excitement and worry had occupied his mind. Excitement, because he finally got the chance for a real friend (yes, Alex was right about his other “friends”, assholes the whole bunch of them).

Worry, because he knew he’d fuck up this chance. He always fucked up the good things in his life. Also, what if Phil decided he didn’t want to deal with such a fuck up like him, because he wasn’t worth it. He was treading on thin ice, and Phil could withdraw his friendship anytime. Yeah, the whole situation where Dan actually had been given a chance was miraculous but his chances to keep it were small.

Was it worth getting his hopes up? Because if he failed, he knew he’d be lonelier than ever before. He’d already risked his “friends” by defending Phil, he wasn’t sure if they’d take him back after that, if he fucked up with befriending Phil.

 

It was morning of the following day now, pitch black outside his window and he just lied in his bed, waiting for his phone alarm to go off at 7am, since falling asleep wasn’t working. Outside, the wind was howling and rain pelting on his window like sharp needles.

He remembered many years back when they were younger, Alex was afraid of the strong wind outside when they had went to sleep. These nights, he could hear tiptoeing, small creaking noises of the wooden floor as his little brother made it into his room and slipped into Dan’s bed, crawling close to Dan’s warm body for comfort  and protection.

“Will the windows blow open, Dan?” Alex had asked with small voice, his small arms hugging the older boy.

“No, they won’t, bear. There’s no danger.” Dan had reassured him, and hugged back tightly and protective.

“Will the roof tear away and let the wind take us away? What if the wind take us away and we will never find our way back home? What if I lose _you_?” Alex had continued to ask, his face was barely visible in the darkness but Dan had been able to make out his tearstained cheeks.

“That won’t happen, I promise, bear” Dan had said and stroked his thumb over Alex’s cheeks to remove the tears. “The roof won’t tear off. And if we would be blown away, I’d never let go of you. I will always stay here with you, Alex. “

“Okay, Dan.” Alex had sniffled and nuzzled his face into the crook of Dan’s neck, and Dan had just petted his back comfortingly, stroked his hand up and down his back until the sniffles was replaced with deep breaths and his relaxed, small body in Dan’s arms.

 

Dan missed those moments with Alex nowadays. It’d been many years since the last time he’d been seeking comfort from Dan at night but still he remembers the warm and safe feeling of having someone close to him when going to sleep, and sleeping alone would never ever beat that. In fact, it was much worse and his lonely self just used the emptiness of his mind to be filled with anxiety and overthinking, leaving him awake long into the wee hours.  


Dan finally felt his eyes starting to weighing down and himself drifting off into dream world.  But wasn’t the world just against him, as it was in that moment his phone started to vibrate on his night side table and the room illuminated by the light of his phone’s bright screen. He turned it off and made his way up from his warm bed with a sigh, and went shivering over to the bathroom to get ready for another day at school.

 

Twenty minutes later, he was dressed and ready to leave, so he opened the door and the weather hadn’t improved ever so much as he was met by an icy wind spiked with sharp rain against his face. He walked the small distance to the spot by the road where Jack picks him up in the mornings to give him a ride to school. Already soaked, he sat down on the bench under a tree and held his arms tightly wrapped around himself.   
Dan waited a quarter, wondering where the heck Jack was with his warm, red car. Maybe something had happened? He decided to text him.

 

 **Dan:** hey jack, where’s my ride? did smth come up?

Shortly after he got a reply back.

 **_Jack:_ ** _i dont wanna have fags riding my car so_

Dan frowned, but quickly realised what it was about.

 **  
** **Dan:** cmon bro, im no fag ffs. just come n pick me up, im freezing my tits off.

 **_Jack:_ ** _dude as long as u keep hanging w that lester fag, u can forget abt getting a ride. now  shut up._

  


Dan shoved his phone into his pocket with a pout,  shooting angry looks to the cars passing by. But quickly he realised his car ride was out of his options now, as well as a bus ride since he didn’t even have money to buy any food, less a bus ticket. His only option was to walk, and since school started around now, he’d be late. If he’d known he had had to walk to school, he’d gotten up much sooner, but as it were, he’d been ditched by his “friends” and had no other choice than to miss out first class.

Fifty minutes later, and a whole lake’s worth of rain water soaked into his clothes and shoes later, he arrived school and he had never ever welcomed the feeling of walking inside the school building as much as he did now, the sudden change of temperature was almost shocking. He quickly went into the bathroom to freshen up.  He caught a sight of himself in the mirror and visibly cringed. His face was bright red from being outside and his hair was a curly mess, he looked like a wet poodle that had been thrown into a washing machine. He attempted to fix it a little,  and then the bell rang outside the hallways, meaning first class was over.

He picked up his books in his locker and went to wait by the door for the next class. The soaked clothes he wore dripped down on the floor, and he felt really out of place with the stares from students passing him by.  He sniffled and still felt cold with the wet clothes keeping his body from getting warm. God help him if he caught a cold after this, as if he didn’t get enough problems already.

 

“Morning Dan, what’s-... Oh my god, you’re so wet! “ Phil suddenly appeared by his side and taking in the scene.

“That’s what she said.” Dan muttered, but wanted to smile at the fact that Phil wanted to greet him, like they were friends. They _were_ friends, or at least soon, Dan had to remind himself. Hopefully.

“ _Ha ha_. No really, have you been swimming with your clothes on? Do you not own a rain coat or an umbrella?” Phil asked confused, gesturing to his dripping clothes that was creating a puddle of water below him.

“..Nah. Just had to walk to school. It’s kinda shitty weather outside, don’t you agree?” Dan replied rather sarcastically.

“Why not take the bus, you wouldn’t need to walk the entire way from your house, I mean I know you live quite outside town..” Phil reasoned, a frown crossing his face in confusion.

 

He didn’t want to admit his poor situation, even though Phil must know by now as he’d been at his house and his neighbourhood not being of the fanciest kind exactly.

“ I didn’t find my wallet” Dan lied shamefully, he didn’t like lying to Phil as he knew out of experience building friendships out of lies never was a good idea. But he’d protect his dignity, the little bit of it that was left.

 

Apperently, Phil wasn’t having it though.

“Dan, you’re a terrible liar, just like me. Please, if we’re _really_ going to be friends, I don’t want you to lie to me. If you don’t want to answer my questions, simply say so, but don’t make up any lies. You understand?” he clarified, a change of tone in his voice to a more stern one.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” he agreed sheepily, but nodded.

“Good. Now, let’s get you some dry clothes on, come.” Phil determined and walked off, Dan had to half run after to keep up his pace.

 

“What?” Dan asked confused.

“You can’t walk around like a drown puppy, so I’ll let you borrow some of mine” he explained to Dan that was perplexed by the fact of someone doing such a kind gesture for him. Phil was so kind to him. Was this how real friends acted to eachother?

“Thank you” he whispered, still in awe of the kindness, and Phil seemed to have heard as his lips pulled up into a smile.

“Here, go change in the bathroom.” Phil shoved some spare clothes in his hands and Dan hurried to go change.

It was a bright red tee and a yellow hoodie, way too much colour for Dan’s taste but at the same time, it was _so_ Phil. And that, he could deal with.

At least he had same taste in skinny, black jeans.

 

When he exited the bathroom Phil waited for him and they hurried back to the class before it started.

“So why d’you keep spare clothes in the locker anyway?” Dan asked jokingly, but Phil just gave him a serious stare, saying _You know why._

 

 _Oh_.

He instantly felt bad joking about it, when Phil had been going through the trouble of needing spare clothes in case something happened. Or rather, someone. Aka Phil’s bullies.

“Sorry” he apologized quietly, as they walked inside the classroom. Phil sat down at his usual spot and Dan hesitated, looking back of the classroom where his old “friends” sat, but he didn’t think he was welcome there anyway. He slid into the seat next to Phil and brought up his math book, just as the teacher silenced the class to begin.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay, look at me uploading a new chapter in time! :'D *happy dance*

**Phil’s POV**

 

Phil had seen the hesitation of Dan sitting beside him and not back at his usual spot. But it hadn’t taken long before he had decided to sit next to Phil in the end and he was relieved at that. Phil honestly didn’t think the ‘befriending his former bully’ idea would work if Dan still hung out with his old friends that still was Phil’s bullies. No, that’s where he drew the line, or Dan would have to choose. Luckily enough he had seemed to have chosen Phil. 

 

They got to work and as usual, Phil struggled with the math. A new chapter with new hieroglyphs and formulas that was just staring back at him, telling him nothing of use. Any other school subjects was fine, just not math. Math was impossible. All the numbers mixed up and the symbols just looked fancy rather than meaning anything.

 

He sighed and started to doodle a few lions with cute hats on their heads in his notebook instead, passing time. He glanced over to Dan beside him, and found him in a deep concentration as he was working, a frown crossing his face and chewing on his lower lip. His dimple on his cheek showed from time to time as he subconsciously moved his mouth and Phil noticed how the two birthmarks made out a sad face together with the dimple when it appeared. He chuckled quietly for himself at that, but that had interrupted Dan’s concentration and two brown eyes was now focusing on himself.

 

“What you laughing at?” 

“Nothing, just.., “ Phil excused himself, flustered of being caught staring at Dan’s face, “ just your dimple and birthmarks looks like a sad face and it looked kind of funny.”

Dan just frowned for a second but then smirked widely, making his dimple appear clearly and the sad face looked even sadder. “Why are you staring at my dimple,  _ love _ ?” he replied sarcastically.

Phil coughed and his cheeks reddened even more. “Shut up, just noticed okay?” he mumbled embarrassed, rolling his eyes and went back to doodling his lions.  He didn’t look but he knew Dan was still smirking at him so he gave Dan a playful shove at his shoulder, mumbling “stop it”.

“Nice lions there, Picasso.” Dan commented and Phil looked up only to roll his eyes at him.

“Thanks”

Dan glanced at Phil’s notebook which didn’t contain much other than doodles.

“I thought you were a nerd though, didn’t take you for a doodler?” he observed with a smirk.

“Yeah, well I hate math so doodling is my prefered option” Phil sighed while drawing a tie with stripes to a little lion.

“Come on, it’s not that complicated though? Just learn the formula and when to use it, that’s all.” Dan disagreed, pointing his finger at said formula in the book.

“No, it  _ is _ complicated!” he protested and drew angry eyebrows on the lion he worked on. “It’s just hieroglyphs and I don’t know how I’m supposed to know  _ when  _ to use it.”

“Don’t be a dork, let me show you how the  _ real  _ professionals work” he teased but leaned over to Phil’s desk and started to explaining the formula and certain contexts where it’s being used.

 

When the bell rang and ended the class, they both sat up back at their chairs. Phil realised how close they had been sitting the entire hour and he blushed slightly. Why did he blush?  _ Friends can sit close, right? Nothing weird with that. _

He tried to ignore that thought and playfully shoved Dan’s shoulder, “Didn’t know  _ both  _ Howell’s was math geniuses.” he teased and smirked.

“I’m no genius” Dan just muttered, but smiled timidly out of the praise, “only Alex”.

“Although, you do understand this nonsense without problem, so I wouldn’t write you off either, Mr Hobbit hair.” Phil went on and he got an annoyed glare back, but a smile still apparent.

“Shut up, I know it’s a mess.”

“It’s not so bad.”

“Hey, you said no lies!” Dan protested, making Phil grin.   


“Not lying!”

“Shut up, rat” Dan muttered fondly and shoved his book down his backpack and Phil did the same, then they walked out of the classroom together to their next class.

Much to Phil’s disappointment, they didn’t share classes until after lunch, so Phil plodded away alone to his next class and spent the hour doing some homework research, finishing off some work so he could relax at home later.

 

They met up and joined PJ for lunch again, and once again Dan didn’t bring any food for lunch, just shrugged when he was questioned about it. Phil was wondering why he didn’t eat, didn’t he like the food in the cafeteria or? The food wasn’t the best, by far, but it was edible? Maybe Dan had eating issues?

Phil was really curious but felt it wasn’t his place to question it. He just casted worried glances Dan’s way every now and then, whilst he and PJ ate.

 

The last class was English with Mr. Ketch, something both PJ, Dan and himself had together. Phil and PJ sat together as they always did, but Dan didn’t have any seats to join them so he had to sit at his usual seat back with his bullies. He shot Dan an apologetic glance and he just shrugged helplessly back, as Phil could hear Chris and Jack start talking to Dan. It didn’t sound like such a friendly conversation.

He had to turn his back to Dan as the teacher started the class and went through a couple of things about their essay. Phil was already finished with it and so was PJ, so they got some spare time when Mr. Ketch announced they would work with their own essays the rest of the class. 

“D’you reckon Dan will be okay back there with Chris and Jack? They’re not friends anymore exactly for what it seems..” Phil voiced quietly to PJ, glancing back to Dan who was trying to work while Chris was poking him and mocking him.

“As long as they’re not fighting, I guess he is just fine.” PJ reasoned back, not lifting his gaze from the notebook he was currently writing in.

“He looks rather bothered though..” Phil mumbled, more to himself than to PJ.

“He’s probably fine, Philio” PJ replied, rather distracted with his writing, and Phil just huffed at his useless friend.

“Gee, you’re obviously too distracted to have a conversation with now” he rolled his eyes at his focused friend who probably didn’t even listen to the last thing he said.

 

One thing he did notice though, was the short, emotional glances his friend and their teacher shot each other every now and then, PJ’s face flustered and his jaws clenching hard as he fought back a smile.

“Dude how much have you actually fallen for him?” Phil whispered to his friend.

“Many” PJ simply said, sighing.

“Obviously, because you have lost your speaking ability too now.” Phil sniggered quietly, causing PJ to roll his eyes at him, annoyed.

 

The rest of the class was very uneventful and boring, PJ was a lost case right now and unapproachable and Dan was stuck back in the classroom. In lack of things to do he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He didn’t need to actually use it but it was something to do at least. It was usually safe for him to go when everyone was in class, including his bullies.

 

Or well, so he thought.

“What have ye done te Dan, ye filthy faggot?” he heard Chris walk in after some minutes and he quickly stood up straight in case he was attacked.

“I’ve done nothing,” he replied truthfully, his stomach clenching uneasy, fearing what this will lead to.

“Ye turned him fuckin gay, didn’t ye?” Chris accused him and approached threateningly.

“I have done nothing, Dan just wants to be friends with me.” Phil stuttered in protest.

“Friends huh? Fucking bullshit, ye just wants te turn him te some filthy fag too. Give back me friend now or I’ll just have te beat the fag outta ye!” Chris demanded, once again stepping closer to Phil who was trapped in the corner of the bathroom, only the cold, white wall pressed to his back.

 

Phil wanted to explain that it didn’t work that way, but it would be like teaching fish poetry; it was useless.

However, he hoped he’d have an advantage since he was taller than Chris and this time it was only one person to overpower. He tried to make a go for it, went for a shove in the chest so Chris flew back into the sink, and Phil then took the opportunity to escape the bathroom.

He heard Chris shouting angry slurs after him, but Phil ran the fastest he could with his below average physical condition and additional injuries.

 

He was lucky this time, but he knew Chris wasn’t done with him yet. And he couldn’t hide forever either. Well, he  _ could try _ but, no. Sooner rather than later they would get to him and he feared what would happen then.

Phil just didn’t know what to do about it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Dan’s POV**

 

Dan hadn’t noticed Phil had left the classroom at first, too bothered with the actual schoolwork and Chris being an asshole next to him. It wasn’t until Chris actually left and the silence made him look over to Phil’s seat, only - there was no Phil to be seen.

 

He didn’t think too much of it for the first minutes, but soon realised Chris might’ve gone after Phil.  _ That couldn’t end well, especially not in Chris’ mood right now. _

Dan strongly considered to go looking for Phil. It wasn’t because he was  _ worried _ or anything. Just, looking out for his (hopefully soon to be) friend.

As he was deciding on if he should go, the door opened and Phil walked inside again, unharmed yet looking rather distressed and out of breath. Dan wondered if he encountered Chris after all. He made eye contact with Phil as he made a beeline over to his seat beside PJ, and there was no trace of his usual cheery self.

Chris, however, didn’t return for the rest of the class, which Dan was completely fine with, wanting to focus on his essay in peace.

 

Speaking of said essay, writing it was a disaster. He felt stupid, shouldn’t writing about themselves supposed to be easy? Maybe for average people with normal ambitions and passions, but not Dan. He struggled with it, he wasn’t sure why he wanted to finish it when he knew the outcome was going to be rubbish, a big fail for sure. Perhaps the essay he tried to write was just a metaphor of his life, ironic right? But he just wanted  to prove for himself he was able to do it. 

 

The bell rang and school was over for today. Everyone in the classroom hurried away and left, well yeah, almost everyone except PJ and Phil as usual who was staying behind talking to Mr. Ketch. Phil stood beside while PJ was speaking, not seemingly a part of the conversation so Dan went over to him.

 

“Hey”, he said awkwardly, in lack of anything to say.

“Hi Dan, how’s your essay going? I saw you tried to work hard back there, I hope it went well?” Phil pulled half a smile and slung his backpack over his shoulder.

“Well, it’s not..great?” Dan admitted and sighed thinking of it.

“I’m sure it’s going good, Danny” he chuckled and made Dan pout annoyed and lightly punch Phil’s upper arm jokingly.

“Hey don’t ever call me that again!” Dan warned. “And hell no, I’m going to fail anyway so I don’t know why I try.”   
“Sure,  _ Daniel _ . And don’t worry about the essay, you’re underestimating yourself. We could study together at the school library if you want some help?” Phil offered.

Dan opened his mouth to answer but nothing came out at first. Phil was barely his friend and he’d already helped him out so much already!

“You.. you can? Like  _ now _ ?” he replied dumbfounded and internally cringed of how stupid he sounded, but pushed the thought away. Phil just nodded.

“Sure.”

“But, it will be so much extra work for you! I’m rubbish at this!” Dan argued.

“I’m fine with it, and also I’m done with my essay so there’s no extra work for me. I’ll help you out.”

“Okay.. thank you” Dan agreed with a puzzled expression, he was still not used to having someone supportive and kind and each time Phil did kind things like this (already lots of it, contrary to the very few kind gestures Dan had returned), he was reminded of that.

 

He wished he had become friends with Phil instead of going for the popular douchebags in this school back when he started here. But thinking back to the time when he started this school, after moving here, it was what he had wanted back then. To be in the top of the hierarchy. Phil hadn’t been that, so he avoided students like him. Victims.

He had thought everything would solve itself once he had got some power to himself, not being the one that was victim to the abusive power. Dan had just not realised what being in the popular group  _ really  _ meant.

Fake friendships. They weren’t friends, they had nothing in common, other than being douchebags to everyone. Why did one have to be mean to gain power?

Dan never wanted that, it was just his ruthless so called  _ friends  _ that tricked him into thinking behaving like that was okay. It had just been a game for them, oblivious to the horrible truth they actually were causing to others.

Others who hadn’t done anything to deserve it. Others that were kind. Others, like Phil.

 

They got to the tiny library and sat down by a study table with two chairs.  Dan brought out his notebook and skimmed through what he had written down yet, mostly half finished sentences and several drafts that made no connections between them as a functioning essay should have.

 

Phil sat next to him so he showed him his notes, hoping at least Phil would be able to help. He stared intensely at Phil’s hands while giving him time to read through the notes, the pale skin as porcelain with almost invisible freckles covering his hands and nails cut far too short. A couple of almost healed scars on both his hands and his wrists made Dan bite his lip in distress, remembering all over again how he had been one of the people  who made them. 

 

“Dan, you here?” Phil then called suddenly, and made him look up.

 

“Yes, yeah sorry.” Dan sat up and fiddled with his pencil.

 

“So this essay is just quite about yourself, right? Personality, passions, the whole deal. It doesn’t have to be that long to be good, and you’re a quite interesting person so this shouldn’t be too hard” Phil explained, but Dan only registered one part.

_ Him? Interesting? _   
  


“What?” Dan’s brows furrowed and chuckled in disbelief, “ No, I’m not all that interesting, you must be on some hard drugs if you’d believe that. I’m just weird.”

 

“You know, it’s good to be weird. I like weird. Normalness just leads to sadness.

Also, you  _ are  _ interesting. Everyone is, in their own ways. We all got our own story, what keeps us up at night and what keeps us going. Some people show more of it, others, like yourself, hide it.” Phil continued and met Dan’s eyes to confirm he’s not joking “, I’ve been around enough to know you’re not showing much of your real face in school. There’s far more to you, and I just haven’t gotten to know that part of you yet.”

 

Dan was silent shortly after that but then he felt kind of frustrated, because it hit rather close to home and knew the rough appearance he kept up in school was so far off compared to the insecure, self-depressed person he truly was.

 

“You know  _ nothing _ , Phil Lester” he bit back, sounding a little too annoyed than he intended, but Phil just bursted out in laugh, out of everything.

“Why are you laughing?” he demanded to know, being laughed at wasn’t helping here.

“Sorry, it’s just, it just sounded like that Jon Snow scene” the big manchild kept giggling and Dan just rolled his eyes, not following what’s funny.

“Who?”

“Hold on, you  _ don’t _ watch Game of Thrones?” Phil gaped in shock, and Dan shook his head, making Phil grabbing his wrist in excitement.

“Cancel everything, Dan Howell needs to keep up with the  _ real  _ issue here, I need to rescue you from missing out on the best show  _ ever! _ ” Phil exclaimed with expressive gestures, making Dan forget he’s irritated and instead let on a smile.

“Sure, I guess if that’s so important to you” Dan said and chuckled.

“And speaking of missing out, you watch anime right?” Phil asked eagerly, like a big pup seeing food for the first time. 

 

Dan just shook his head. No he didn’t have enough money to afford that much internet data to watch every movie and show he’d like to see, nor buying all the dvds. He had to miss out, unfortunately.

“Well, Dan, if you’re to be my friend, we can’t have it that way. I’m making you watch them all, I promise you!” Phil smiled brightly, creating wrinkles under his eyes. He looked kind of adorable. Dan matched his expression and they suddenly was wrapped up in a conversation about tv shows and anime that Dan had to watch, according to Phil. The essay was forgotten and Dan couldn’t care less right now,  he was having too much fun.

 

It was when Phil was in the middle of explaining Sherlock that Dan’s phone rang and Dan had to answer, not willingly interrupting their conversation.

“Hello mum” Dan answered flatly and went to go a few steps away from Phil to get some privacy. It was his mum after all.

 

“Daniel, I can’t find the painkillers. Where have you put them, you useless shit?”

“I think you’ve used up everyone of them mum”

“Don’t lie to me, you’re probably using up all of it for drugs and shit like teens do nowadays. Now be a good son and tell me where they are?”

“Mum I-..”

“Or did you sell them for money? Or have you used them up yourself? Boy you are in such deep trouble-..”

 

“I haven’t touched them, just check your drawer or the kitchen cabinet.” Dan tried to defend himself, and for a short moment of silence and hearing shuffling around in the other end of the phone, Dan thought his mum maybe had found them and everything was fine.

_ But in what universe would things be solved that easily, huh? _

 

“Enough tricks, Daniel! There’s no fucking pain killers here and you know it! When you get home you better have them with you or you will be tasting the regret later, son!” his mum threatened and Dan swallowed in fear as she ended the call.

 

He didn’t know the painkillers were used up already, she had probably just lost them and she would never admit it was her doing. 

She now expected him to buy some more, but with what money exactly? He had no money, not even for food.

 

Dan looked over at Phil, who was occupied with trying to balance the pencil on the short side of the book cover, of which itself wasn’t a steady foundation to balance things on. He shook his head fondly on Phil’s behalf, pulled his lips in a little smile.

He wouldn’t ask Phil for money, certainly not. Phil had done enough for him,  _ more  _ even. Although he was almost sure Phil  _ would  _ do that for him, if he asked.

Dan shuddered out of the thoughts of what was waiting at home. His mum sounded particularly on edge and that never ended well.

 

He sat back in his chair next to Phil who quit playing with whatever balance thing he had going and looked back at him.

“Is everything alright?”

“Whatever” Dan shrugged and started to doodle circles on his notes distractingly.

“Was it your mum?” 

“Yup”

“Did she upset you or what’s going on?” Phil continued asking, which made Dan feel cornered and angry.

“That’s not your business,  _ Phil _ ” he snapped and clenched his jaw, hoping Phil would drop it. Which he did.  _ For six damned seconds. _

 

“I just want you to know I’m here if you want to talk, Dan. As a friend. I know you don’t have it great back home and-”

“For the love of god, just shut up Phil. It’s none of your business and don’t come here thinking I’m like a freaking broken vase in need of fixing. I’m  _ not _ ! I am not a charity case and I’m not broken and-..” he bursted out, shouting. But the last words came out as a whisper and he fought hard not to break right there and then. _ Pathetic, Dan. _

 

Phil seemed to get it this time and he sank back in his chair, quiet for a long moment.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to upset you.” he mumbled.

“Let’s just get to work already” Dan decided and they both continued working together on the essay. It was an awkward silence and they only talked about what was needed related to the essay and with no trace of excitement. 

 

Great job, Dan. Why did he have to make things awkward between them? Their friendship was already treading on thin ice and this would only make things even worse.

He should probably leave before he did something even more stupid. Phil only stayed put because he’s too kind to leave and probably wanted to get out of here right now.

Dan was only doing themselves a favour.

 

He stood up in the middle of Phil talking, and begun to clean up the notes and papers on the table.

“I’m sorry Phil, I need to leave. I’m really thankful for your help though.” he said truthfully while hanging his bag onto his shoulders.

“I-.. Oh? Alright, don’t worry.. See you tomorrow then?” Phil asked quietly, of which Dan nodded and turned to leave.

_ Why did he have to be like this? _


	23. Chapter 23

**Phil’s POV**

  


He sensed something from the phone call had upset Dan, and when he wanted to help, Dan just got even more upset.

When Dan left all in a sudden, he wanted to go after him. But he understood Dan needed to be left alone right now, he wasn’t ready to open up to someone such early stage of their friendship - Phil wouldn’t have either.

Remembering being back at the place where Dan lived, he knew his life situation was poor. He hadn’t met Dan’s mum, which was something Dan seemed to fear and whatever reason that’s for, it wasn’t a good one.

The more time he spent with Dan, the more questions about him started to pop up, and it didn’t help Dan was rather closed up about himself. But he had started to see the true colours from Dan, behind the thick walls he’d built up. Phil decided he wanted to break through, and get to know the real Dan. Giving him a chance maybe hadn’t been so bad after all?

 

Phil had then left school and went home in the heavy rain, where he was met by his empty, dark house. He lit some candles, made himself a cup of tea and sat down in the cozy sofa. Browsing Netflix on the television, he put on American Horror Story and sat back and just enjoyed it.

Afterwards, he went to his room and flopped onto his bed, browsing his tumblr on the phone, feeling drowsy and sleepy.

He ended up on Dan’s tumblr, looking through the many, wonderful photos he had posted. Phil wondered if he knew how talented he was. The motives, the techniques, the messages and emotions it brought up for the viewer. He wanted to compliment Dan in person, but then Phil would have to explain how he knew of Dan’s tumblr and all.

 

He scrolls down and finds the only selfie Dan had posted. Last time he had looked at it, he’d been too busy realising that Dan was the owner of this account, not looking at the picture itself. A portrait of Dan, waist and up. It was a dark, monochrome picture with only Dan’s pale skin as contrast. Staring into the camera with an expressionless face, only having his finger put to his lips, as if to say “shh”. Expressionless face, but the eyes still said everything. He couldn’t decide on what they said, but settled on melancholic, sad. He felt a twinge of sadness in his heart just looking at it.

  
 

 

Was this self-portrait meant to express how Dan felt? If so, Dan must be feeling awful and it only made him want to be Dan’s friend more. Despite of the terrible things he had done.

 

A knock on his door, followed by his mum walking into his room, making Phil look up from his phone and greeted her with a smile. 

“Hello, child. How are you dear?” his mum said and sat down on his bed, gently caressing his hair with her warm hand.

 “Hi mum, I’m doing fine. How about yourself?” Phil replied, leaning into her touch and sighed relaxed.

 “Oh I’m well, thank you. Was school treating you good today? You’ve got any homework to do, honey?”

 “It was alright.” Phil mumbled. _Didn’t get punched, so that’s definitely a win._ “And no I have done all my homework in school, mum.”

“Good boy, always doing so well in school. You know I’m proud of you, dearie” she praised and leant down, pressing a kiss to his head.

 “Thanks, mum.”

“I was speaking with your father on the phone earlier. The doctors says he’s doing better, this last week have only been positive responses to the treatment.” his mum continued, changing subject.

 

“That’s good news? Will he come home soon then?” Phil asked, sitting up, facing his mum with curious eyes.

 “Maybe, the doctors won’t determine anything yet but they’re speaking of letting him go home next week for a few days, if everything keeps going the right direction” she smiled, putting her arm around him and pulled him into her embrace.

 “I hope so, I miss him a lot” Phil admitted, looking out of his window from where he was faced in the hug.

 

His mum hugged him a while longer then released him, though still holding his arm and her warm, tired eyes quietly observing her son.

 “He’s just a phone call away, you know.”

 “I know, but it’s just not the same.” Phil sighed.

 “I know, honey” his mum agreed quietly. She brought up a hand and caressed his cheek. “Dear, have something happened with your nose? It looks a little swollen to me.”

“Oh that?” Phil blinked, trying to come up with an excuse while looking around the room, like it would have the answer he searched for. “There’s this stupid glass door in the school library, I ran into it the other day.” he chuckled nervously.

 His mum smiled, which was her way of telling him his lie didn’t work on her.

“Please tell me if they’ve been hurting you again, Philip. It doesn’t have to be that way, we can fix that.” she said and looked directly at Phil with worried eyes.

There was no way he could tell her anything but the truth right there and then.

 

“Alright, it was just a few punches from some guys.. But my friend came to help out so it wasn’t so bad. Don’t worry, mum” he sighed but smiled a little to reassure his mum.

 “Oh Philip dear.. Do you know their names? I can call the school and make appointments-..” his mum suggested worried but Phil didn’t think that would help.

 “No mum, it’s probably a bad idea. If they get to know I’m telling my parents.. It’s gonna get worse.” he argued and shrugged.

“I think we could get them expelled if we try, sweetie?” his mum tried, stroking her hand on Phil’s head, caressing it.

 “We need lots of evidence and they’re too many to go against. Even if we might get one of them expelled, the rest will stay to get back at me. But it’s alright, really mum. I’ve got friends to keep me safe.” he smiled.

 “If you tell me it’s okay, I’ll take your word for it, dear. But if things go out of hand you must tell me, we can certainly change school if it comes to that, okay? I’m glad you got your friend by your side. PJ right? He’s an amazing friend I know.” his mum sat up straighter on his bed, still stroking his back gently.

“Actually there’s another friend of mine too, he’s called Dan.” he told his mum and listened to his own words. Dan, his friend. Yes, he’d consider Dan his friend by now. Still in an early stage but friend nevertheless.

 

“Oh, Dan? I haven’t heard of this boy before, is he new to the school or something?” his mum asked surprised, her lips pulled up in a smile of these good news. Phil usually didn’t make friends easily so a new friend must be big news.

 “He’s not new. He just..was in a different group of friends than me and we didn’t become friends until recently.” he avoided the question, bending the truth a little. No need to tell her Dan was formerly the ones who hurt Phil.

 “That sounds lovely that you’ve gotten another friend, sweetheart. You make sure to bring him over sometime soon, okay?” she stood up, ruffled Phil’s hair which made him groan annoyed.

 “Yeah, yeah, I will mum.”

 “Wonderful,” she made her way out of his room, looking back at him in the doorway  “and the dinner is ready in twenty minutes, so be ready, Phil”.

“Sure, mum.” he replied and was left alone again, only to spend the rest of his time looking through Dan’s photos, making him oddly happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (art belongs to me)


	24. Chapter 24

**Dan's POV**

Dan sniffled while he laid down in the couch again after taking some painkillers and water, once more. His head was dizzy and he coughed constantly, his body felt like it was outside in a snowstorm, and burning inside a hot oven at the same time.

He had tried to sleep all week, resting so he would get past this cold, but fevered nightmares wouldn't let him sleep peacefully, so he was constantly tired. And still sick. Not to mention sore from last Thursday, when he'd come home without any painkillers and tasted his mum's rage. Yeah. That added to his misery for the whole week, as if his bloody cold wasn't killing him enough.

Dan switched on the old television they had, it took at least a minute before the picture appeared on the screen. He tried to focus on the current tv show playing right now, but his eyes kept rinning and blur his vision, as well as his head felt dizzy.

God, how he hated to be ill.

 

He drifted off and his dream felt pleasant in the beginning.

_He and Phil was famous - of all things, and they were flatmates. Both of them were working with film making and they were going to make a q &a video, something he'd seen on like youtube before, although this definitely was one of a kind. _ _And with the weirdest name too: Phil is not on fire. What the hell?_

_It was really odd, because apparently there was this tradition for them to grab a sharpie and draw cat whiskers on their faces, and answer to really strange, yet funny questions that their viewers sent in._ _The questions could be all from "May I stroke your glabella?" to "Sing a duet about lizards" to "Seductively advertise this toilet roll"._

_Some questions really were disturbing._

_And is microwave really an onomatopoeia??_

_Despite everything, he had a really fun time and it was amazing how this was what they were doing for a living?_ _But the best part was definitely having a best friend, no other than Phil. Well, the chances to make that into reality were as slim as a snowball's chance in hell._

_As good as his dream was, it didn't take long until the weird parts took over, thanks to his fever. Phil had become a magician, the Amazing Phil,  with a talking lion plushie on his shoulder, and pulled Dan's hair, which apparently was a wig and he was bald underneath it - which freaked him out._ _The lion started speaking in ancient languages and Phil got furious and started to throw his new white sneakers at him, then another angry Phil showed up, and shoved him hard. Then another Phil, and another, and they all kept pushing Dan roughly around while yelling at him, and didn't stop even after Dan started crying and yelling for them to stop._

_"You are disturbing Dan."_

_"You are not worth my time, nor anyone else's."_

_"No one wants you around"_

_"Why do you keep trying when you know it's pointless?"_

_"Kindly do us a favour and kill yourself"_

_Finally he was pushed so he fell over and instead of hitting the floor, he just kept falling in complete darkness._

_He fell and fell until finally he could make out the bottom beneath him - fire. Every part of the surface beneath him was covered in flaming hot fire and he was falling right into it._

 

Just when he was about to land in the flames, his whole body flinched in the sofa and he sat up, screaming himself hoarse. He sat and just kept breathing heavily, while tears kept overflowing his eyes and wetting his cheeks. Oddly enough, the nightmares with Phil in it was the worst. Strange, wasn't it? They weren't close friends or barely friends for that matter. How could his opinions matter so much to him already? It's probably only the fever making everything strange again. He laid down again after catching his breath and just stare out in the snowy weather outside his window. Snow was finally here, the only appropriate weather for December.

 

_Brrrrrriiiinnnng. Brrrriiiinngg._

 

Dan sat up, frowning. It was the doorbell. No one he knew used the doorbell, so who the hell was at his door? People selling stuff?

Carefully he opened the front door and revealed Phil, with rosy cheeks and soft snow on his colourful hat and his shoulders, standing on the other side, leaving Dan in surprise because he had  _not_  expected that!

"Phil!? How- What are you doing here?"

Phil chuckled and sent Dan a warm smile. "Hello to you too, Danny. I figured you were sick and in desperate need of some treatments, so the doctor said it was important to bring a big box of donuts and a Buffy-marathon. So here I am!" Phil explained and held up both items he just mentioned for Dan to see.

"Um, wow, " Dan started, still too surprised to get his mouth to work properly, " I wouldn't disobey doctor's orders so.. Come in, I guess?" he opened the door wide to let Phil in and avoided the obvious thoughts like  _How the hell did Phil end up at my house?_

Phil went ahead and put the boxes down on the tv table, looking around in this awful environment that was his lounge.

 

They both sat down in the couch, Dan feeling slightly embarrassed to be caught in this state and of his ugly home. He hunched over with his shoulders and glanced away.

"Hey.. what happened with your face Dan? I don't mean to pry, I'm just concerned." Phil asked carefully after he had been looking at Dan. Dan shot his eyes up to meet Phil's, his own hand subconsciously touching his wounded face. Of course, his bruises from last week hadn't faded. And it didn't help he was a sweaty white ghost either. Dan was amazed he didn't scare Phil away with his appearance alone.

"Um.. right." Dan lingered, reluctant to admit the truth. "I'd rather not talk about it, if that's okay."

"It's completely fine Dan, I won't make you. You choose if you're comfortable enough" Phil smiled, though his eyes were worried.

"Thank you for caring, though. I really appreciate that." he pulled his lips and smiled timidly to Phil. "You're right about my cold though, my fever won't let me sleep. I feel like shit, tbh" he said and rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"Oh, you got a fever too?" Phil asked, reaching out with his hand and touched Dan's forehead with the back of his hand, taking his temperature. His hand felt cool against his warm head and he almost asked Phil to keep his hand there, but too soon he retreated his hand when he was done. "Yeah, you're pretty warm.. You can't sleep through the whole thing?"

Dan shrugged, "Nah, I keep getting nightmares. Fever nightmares are the worst." he sighed and sat back in the couch more comfortably, and Phil did the same. He thought of his most recent dream, the fun part of it anyway, together with Phil.

"What? What did you think of?" Phil asked and cocked an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?" Dan asked confused and Phil chuckled.

"You just smiled out of nowhere"

Dan furrowed his brows together and realised he had been smiling. Would it be sane to reveal to Phil that he had dreamt of them?

Probably not.

 

"Yeah, right, that.. I just remembered my last dream, which was about us and we were like biffles, and we were making this weird q&a video together and there were cat whiskers and weird questions and meowing. Some weird cat fetish or something, it was weird. Also, I think we  were flatmates even." Dan chuckled and his cheeks flushed, it was embarrassing to reveal the dream when Phil wasn't really his best friend.

"Sounds hilarious to me, it would be something we would do" Phil laughed, a genuine, honest laugh which made Dan relax a bit. "Weird  _and_  nice. We have to do that someday!" he eagerly exclaimed and then made some odd animal noises, meowing and something that sounded like a dying goose.

"What the actual fuck was that noise, Phil?" Dan cackled and put his hand to cover his face in embarrassment on Phil's behalf.

"Animal sounds. It's one of my secret talents." Phil explained and made that strangled animal noise again.

  
"Sure.." Dan just shook his head and sighed fondly.

"Alright so, how about these terrific donuts and an amazing set of Buffy? Is that good?" Phil reminded and brought up the dvd box of Buffy, taking out the first dvd and put it on.

It was truly a great tv show and some tasty donuts, Dan was very thankful for that. But most of all he enjoyed the company, he'd spent far too much time alone and Phil's presence made a huge difference.

Close to the end of the first season they both laid back in the sofa and donuts were long gone. In the corner of his eye he saw that Phil kept shooting him worried glances. He didn't really understand why Phil kept being concerned about him, but felt like maybe he should be sharing something. Phil deserved to know he was fine, so by the end of the episode he sat up slightly in the sofa and got Phil's attention. It was pretty dark in the room now but they could see each other pretty well anyway from the light of the tv.

"So um, you asked about my face earlier." Dan started and Phil listened attentively, so Dan continued with his carefully chosen words. "I don't have such a great relationship with my mother, exactly. She often get some amount of alcohol and well, can be pretty.. Well, short tempered." he shrugged and fiddled with the cuffs of his jumper, adjusting them anxiously.

Phil just listened and nodded, and Dan continued.

"It happens that she is prone to take to violence, when she's angry and she's angry with me quite a lot, and I know I am a burden to her, I am a cursed child. I deserve it though, makes up for everything I put  _you_ through.." he glanced over to Phil, feeling small and vulnerable telling him this, because he hadn't spoken about this to anyone. He just hoped Phil wouldn't mock or pity him when he opened up the door to his deepest self.

"Dan, that's not right..." Phil replied after he had listened to Dan.

"You're right, let me rephrase that. I deserve it but it  _doesn't_  make up for everything I did to you. Nothing can. You're a good person, Phil, you haven't done anything to deserve that.. I'm not though,  _I'm_  the bad guy,  _I_  do bad stuff. I  _deserve_ not to be happy." he explained and his voice was weak, on the verge of breaking.  _I don't deserve_ you _Phil._

  
Phil is silent a long while after that, not even looking at Dan. He just put his fingers up to his mouth and stared down at the floor. Dan started to regret telling Phil, he probably said something wrong now.

"You.. you really believe everything you just said, Dan?" Phil asked finally, quietly but clear enough for Dan to hear. Dan nodded.

Phil just shook his head, "That's where you're completely wrong, Dan." he continued and made eye contact with Dan. "You do  _not_ deserve to be hurt, not in any way. Just because you've made some bad choices in life doesn't-"

"'Some bad choices'? Phil, I hurt you, many times! Does that sound like it would be fair to you if I just got away with it so easy? It doesn't!" Dan protested, but Phil just held his hand up and shook his head again.

 

"No, Dan, listen. You're right, it's not fair and I won't forget what you and the others did to me. But there are other ways to make things right, you don't have to get hurt. You don't deserve to get hurt. Just knowing you regret it and won't doing it again is enough. I  _forgive you_  Dan." Phil said and kept looking at Dan, who was looking down.

"You.. forgive me? Just like that?" Dan asked quietly, then looked up and silent tears down his cheeks could be seen in the faint light from the television.

"Not 'just like that'. I've seen it. You've changed, you're not that bully anymore. I forgive you."

And with that, Dan's silent tears turned into sobs, and when Phil offered his arms he embraced him tightly and cried into his shoulder. He wasn't sure why he cried. He wasn't sad.

Just..  _relieved_.

For so long, he had been holding all his emotions locked inside and now everything just bursted and flooded out like a river of emotions that reached a waterfall. The coldness of the ice inside him melted and escaped his eyes. He hadn't realised just how hard everything had been, keeping it together. It felt like a huge difference now, all the tension had just been swept away and his chest felt so much lighter.

"You don't understand how much that means to me.. " he whispered to Phil, once the sobs had returned to small sniffles.

 

Phil just hugged him tighter.


End file.
